Showing posts with label marathon. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marathon. Show all posts
Food Network Liveblog Marathon Part 1 9 30am to 2 00pm
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Hi, everybody, and welcome to the Food Network Liveblog Marathon! We had such a ball doing the Biggest Loser finale last week, I figured a 19-hour running diary of Food Networks entire broadcast day would be nice way to extend the good times.
Most of this is just for fun, and to see how many ¾-sleeve sweaters I can spot, but I’ll also be keeping a close eye on how Food Network addresses the issues of health and frugality throughout the course of its normal schedule. This will involve a few holiday-oriented shows and possible multiple viewings of Paula’s Cookie Party, so don’t forget to cut ‘em some slack.
Feel free to chime in, too! I’ll be checking comments constantly, and highlighting my favorites as we go along. Criticism is good as long as its not personal or too mean. Funny is encouraged.
P.S. As with the BL Liveblog, this will go backwards, with the most recent commentary appearing up top.
1:59
On to Part II - 2:01pm to 7:00pm!
1:58
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: zero
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: er ... pretty low
HEALTH QUOTIENT: um ... also low
VERDICT: 10/10. Its Ina, and dissent will not be tolerated.
1:57
Jeffrey is playing a trick on Ina, to make her think he ate all the food. This is cruel and unnecessary. Also, I dont know how to spell "unnecessary."
1:51
The lobster pies were just dubbed "rustic." In cooking, is "rustic" a synonym for "messy"? If so, my apartment is very rustic.
1:49
Ina wants us to place pastry dough in the fridge for 30 minutes "to chill and relax." Unmentioned: "to light up some doobage and listen to Steve Miller albums on shuffle."
1:42
She is now making lobster pot pies. I was taught to appreciate fresh-from-the-animal lobster meat from a very young age, and always hesitate to use it in any recipe. I mean, what if I mess it up? And why would I want to dilute lobster flavor? But Im going with this, Ina. I trust you. Be caul with my heart.
1:40
Ina is visiting her fishmonger. I like to picture her being personal friends with her various mongers, and at the end of every year, they all have a giant monger party. Where they mong out, presumably.
1:36
Ina is wearing a black button-down instead of her usual denim one. If youre not a regular viewer, this means nothing to you, but if you are, its a plot twist on par with The Sixth Sense.
1:34
Husband-Elect, are you reading this? If so, can we go to Inas kitchen for our honeymoon? I will let you have the Gandalf ice carving if you say yes.
1:32
Shes making chocolate gelato. For Jeffrey, of course. CURSE YOU, JEFFREY!
1:31
THE SHOW: Baoot Contessa! WOOOO!
THE HOST: the lovely Ina Garten
THE CONCEPT: incredible food served by a woman you want to hang out with ALL THE TIME
1:28
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0, though the sleeves of her regular sweater were rolled up
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: high
HEALTH QUOTIENT: negative numbers
VERDICT: 7/10, for too many "yummos
1:26
On a related note, do you ever wonder if RR narrates her everyday movements when shes at home? "Well, Im goin to pick up my toothpaste like this. Awesome! Then Im going to grab my toothbrush like this. Yummo! Now Im gonna bring it up to my mouth, and run it back and forth across my teeth. All right! And we end by spitting the froth into the sink. Big finish!"
1:21
Toffee Hot Cocoa was just described as "SUPER delicious." Just once, I want a TV chef to say, "You know what? Its a broccoli recipe. It tastes slightly better than burlap, but if we dont get some veggies in our diets, well die."
1:19
Rachael is excellent at remaining upbeat. When youre makin TV, its really, really tough to turn on the cheer when youre not feeling it. But she manages. I dig that.
1:14
A haiku for Rachael:
You carry so much
but is that nutmeg ever
a burden too heavy?
1:11
Were having "ahh-some wanh-ffles" here everybody, but not before we eyeball the molasses.
1:06
Whenever RR asks us to "eyeball" something, I picture pouring the item (fennel, cloves, oil, etc.) on our actual eyeballs. This is not the intended meaning, I understand, but ... need more coffee.
1:03
Rachael is making sausage, and her accent ("sah-sidge") is making me miss my friends in Rochester and Buffalo. (*sniff*) You guys, lean ground chicken breast reminds me of you.
1:00
THE SHOW: 30-Minute Meals
THE HOST: Rachael Ray
THE CONCEPT: A nice woman from Western New York makes a meal in an unmentioned allotment of time.
12:59
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 1 (You can always count on Giada.)
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium; risotto is cheaper than you think
HEALTH QUOTIENT: pretty low
VERDICT: 10/10, for much-appreciated gratuitous use of champagne
12:57
For dessert, its Raspberry Limoncello Champagne and an Espresso Panna Cotta. Forget plain ol pregnancy. These will get you a Duggar-style reality show on TLC.
12:51
I love that PR folks think well enough of CHG to send us offers, but ... uh ... my name is Kristen. Not Christine. And I dont have kids. And I hate mayonnaise. Just sayin.
12:48
Champagne Risotto with Asparagus is Gs next date night recipe. (P.S. The theme of this show is "Date Night." Now you know.) Served with Chiarellos Peppermint Chocolate Tiramisu and Nigellas Espresso Martini, there is a 100% chance you will be pregnant by the end of the night.
12:46
This is the 37 millionth time the Le Cordon Bleu commercial is airing, and its only 12:46. If I hear, "Get your career cooking ... LITERALLY!" one more time, I will literally jump through the TV and broil that guy.
12:42
Giadas "this is so good" claw: check.
Giadas tasting O-face: check.
Still waiting for first pronunciation of "pan-CHET-tha."
12:37
Giada is frying some oysters. When shes done, they will be "sweet and tender, which is how your date will act after he eats them." I assume this means my date will also be breaded and covered in marinara sauce.
12:34
My Ma is as Irishiest of Irish ladies, but insists on pronouncing Latin and Italian foods as they would be in the native language. This means "mozzarella" is "mooz-a-dell" and "parmesan" is "parrrr-mi-jhan." Giada also does this. Giada is my Ma.
12:32
Giada starts out with panna cotta, or translated, "theres a cot in my pan."
12:31
THE SHOW: Everyday Italian
THE HOST: Giada DeLaurentiis
THE CONCEPT: Hot, talented chef makes authentic Italian dishes and funny tasting faces.
12:29
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0, though her blouse has shorter sleeves, yall
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: high, yall
HEALTH QUOTIENT: super, super low, yall
VERDICT: 9/10, for gentility, yall
12:23
Gingerbread Michael (Paulas husband) has white chest hair, a mohawk, and appears to be wearing a diaper. How does Real Michael feel about this?
12:19
Edit - Paula is making gingerbread men AND women. Later, they will create gingerbread babies together, unless they use gingerbread prophylactics.
12:12
Paulas making Gingerbread Men, and "when we come back, Im gonna show you how we bring these little [guys] to life." This is going to involve lightning and tiny brain transplants, isnt it?
12:06
Analogy time!
Paula Deen is to Fantasy Grandma as George Clooney is to _______.
A) Fantasy Boyfriend
B) Fantasy Shortstop
C) Fantasy Island
12:04
How you can tell this is an early episode: wrinkles, natural lighting, no cackling, zero appearances by Bobby and Jamie. I miss the cackling, yall.
12:02
Butter count: 1 stick so far.
12:00
THE SHOW: Paulas Home Cooking
THE HOST: Paula Deen, yall!
THE CONCEPT: Today, its cookies. But most days, its butter. Just butter.
11:59
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0 (it was full-length)
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: high - nothing was outrageous
HEALTH QUOTIENT: very low - I question serving some of these to kids as dinner
VERDICT: 6/10, for questionable usage of vessels
11:58
Robin blended strawberries and yogurt, and I thought for sure it was going to be a smoothie. But she poured it in a bowl, so now its a soup. If she poured it in a votive glass, would it be a candle?
11:52
Chopping montage! In general, wouldnt cooking would be much more awesome if all our chopping was set to Michael Jackson? Here, try it.
11:50
Good tip from Robin: make vinaigrettes and dressings in the bottom of the salad bowl, then toss everything afterward.
11:45
Once and for all: is cumin pronounced "keeyou-min" or "coo-min"?
11:43
Weve moved on to Mexican fondue, meaning cheese, spinach, artichokes, and salsa melted together. Im still deciding how I feel about this. Also: "take it to a whole new level" should be retired permanently, as should "outside the box."
11:36
Robin is having a tough time lifting her skillet. I can relate, having the upper body strength of a fetal chihuahua.
11:32
Robin is searing some scallops, and she just poured a dang gallon of olive oil into a large skillet. Look, I know olive oil is one of the healthier cooking fats, but 1/4 cup per serving doesnt do anyone any good. (Now getting off my high horse before I hurt myself.)
11:31
THE SHOW: Quick Fix Meals
THE HOST: Robin Miller
THE CONCEPT: Week-long dinners for busy families, with Oprah-esque theme song.
11:30
End of show. How you know: the wine comes out, and Mike changes into a red t-shirt under a charcoal grey blazer. Very Napa.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 1/2
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: low
HEALTH QUOTIENT: low
VERDICT: 8/10, for Peppermint Chocolate Tiramisu and general attractiveness
11:27
Why dont the Food Network hosts ever wash their own pots and pans? They should have a show made up entirely of Ina Garten and Bobby Flay doing dishes. I guarantee it would be a ratings winner.
11:23
He just poured about a cup of red wine into risotto, making it look like brains. Delicious, delicious brains. Again, the ugly/tasty paradox has been proven.
11:19
While I like Michael Chiarello, he suffers a bit from John Kerry Syndrome: you know hes totally great at what he does, but you dont necessarily want to have a beer with him.
11:15
Food Network Drinking Game, Rule #5739: Drink whenever a host claims he/she is "going somewhere," "checking the market out," or "has some errands to run" during the commercial break. We know you need more than four minutes to hit up the orchard, Chiarello.
11:13
Up next: a Peppermint Chocolate Tiramisu. I have never heard a finer collection of words. (P.S. Did you know "tiramisu" means "pick me up"? Me neither. Thanks, Mike!)
11:12
Currently, hes adding a TON of ground fennel to already fennel-heavy roast. Moderate amounts of fennel are always appreciated, but this looks like its going to taste like a bag of black licorice exploded in your mouth.
11:10
Chiarello isnt wearing a 3/4-sleeve sweater, but his pullover sleeves are rolled up to just under the elbow. Does that count?
11:09
Coffee procured! Urge to kill ... fading.
11:04
So far, this is an onion- and beet-heavy show. Not kid food, apparently. In first grade, either of those words would have thrown me into total gag lex failure.
11:01
THE SHOW: Easy Entertaining
THE HOST: Michael Chiarello
THE CONCEPT: "Formal fare in your formalwear." Clever boy.
10:59
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: a shocking 0
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: good - salad and tamales are pretty cheap
HEALTH QUOTIENT: nada, though points for trying with the salad
VERDICT: 7/10, for gratuitous shots of blending.
10:55
Emerils jacket has remained perfectly clean through the entire show, despite making salad, mac and cheese, tamales con queso, and cheesecake. No mess at all. I would look like Pizza the Hut after a day like that.
10:52
Have you seen the ice cream sandwich bench? Its $950, though if Trading Spaces has taught me anything, you can make it at home with $15.62 and a bedsheet.
10:49
Can I tell you how much I love it when Emeril adds alcohol to recipes? Everyone in the audience cheers like crazy, as if to say, "WOO! This flan is gonna get us totally sploshed!"
10:46
Holly from Ohio is the next winner of Emerils Say Cheese contest, and she has a very, very red kitchen. Like, all her appliances and countertops are a fiery crimson. Wouldnt that make you angry when youre cooking? Like youre in Hells Kitchen? "Dont TALK TO ME when Im making CHEESECAKE, DAMMIT!"
10:43
Time for a multiple choice question! What kind of degree does Doc Gibbs have?
A) Funkiness MD
B) A PhD in smoothosity
C) A doctorate in jazz hands
D) Gastroenterology
10:40
As Emeril rolls his second tamale, I find my mind wandering to faraway places. Like Morocco. Were fez hats just decorative, or did they have a purpose? They dont shade the eyes or protect the head very well, so Im figuring they were invented for aesthetic purposes. In a related story, I think its time for some coffee.
10:37
Another ugly-but-delicious food: ried beans. We can all agree it looks like baby puke, right?
10:33
Emeril is making tamales con queso, and keeps asking for "lahwd." I wondered why he would be using the lord in his cooking, until it occurred to me that hes saying "lard."
10:32
Food Network Drinking Game, Rule #437: take a shot every time you wonder how a food show can pay for a full band. Youll be sploshed inside an hour.
10:30
Re: Emerils accent. Hes from Boston, right? Because it sounds so Brooklyn sometimes, I imagine him selling me knockoff sunglasses on the corner by the Halal Chinese Food place.
10:27
Emeril is stirring white-gray crabmeat into a yellow-gray macaroni and cheese mixture. You know that scene in Empire Strikes Back, when Han makes Luke a bed out of TonTon intestines? It looks like that. Which is okay, because sometimes ugly food is the best food. (See: eggplant.)
10:23
Bathroom dilemma, solved. Thank god for commercials. Did you guys need to know that? Also of note: my computer is resting on a hummus tub so the bottom wont overheat. In Brooklyn, we work with what we have, folks.
10:20
Augh! The vertical rotisserie ad is back so "Dad" can school us some more. I think Ive found my nemesis for the day.
10:18
Emeril is both a "spoon guy" and a "whisk fan." Can you be both? Is that like rooting for the Yankees and the Mets?
10:16
Emeril is running a "Say Cheese" recipe contest. Pam from Maryland is a winner, and she reminds me of every nurse or teachers assistant Ive ever met. Pam is using crab in her macaroni and cheese, which "kicks [it] up to notches unknown." NOTCHES UNKNOWN.
10:11
Speaking of golf, what happens now that Tiger is in the permanent doghouse? I imagine curling will finally have its day as THE sport for people who dont like sudden movements.
10:08
Were watching a split screen of the blonde mom and Emeril blending a dressing. Its still more interesting than golf.
10:06
First tip, from an at-home video segment with a blonde mom: "Never walk away from your pine nuts." Truer words, never spoken. How many times have I set them to toast and sniffed the air three minutes later all like, "Whats burning?"
10:05
The theme of the show is cheese. I can get behind this.
10:00
THE SHOW: Emeril Live!
THE HOST: Emeril Lagasse
THE CONCEPT: The godfather of TV cheffery hosts a cooking show in front of a live audience, says "BAM" a lot. Theres a band, too.
9:58
Nigella ends the show scarfing potatoes on a crimson couch by a roaring fire, while angels play smooth jazz in the background. This is a Luther Vandross video.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 1
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: nothing too expensive here
HEALTH QUOTIENT: Well let it slide. Its a Christmas show.
VERDICT: 10/10, for sexiness
9:54
Were up to fully loaded baked potatoes. Cooked by candlelight, naturally. Ive never been attracted to a potato before today, but somehow, Nigella is making them look sexy. Maybe because she just "splodged" them with sour cream, and now - I swear to god - is "forking them together."
9:52
Its not even time for Price is Right, and Nigellas guests are eating Christmas tree cakes and getting sploshed on espresso martinis. I want to go to there.
9:50
Her strata is (direct quote): "Like a toasted cheese sandwich, but a celestial one, as if eaten by angels." If heaven is filled with grilled cheese sandwiches, I will feel a lot better about death.
9:47
Unconsidered when planning 19-hour blogging marathon: when do I go to the bathroom?
9:45
Nigellas cake batter is "perfectly plain, but anything but austere." Husband-Elect just kissed me goodbye and went to work. Are these related somehow?
9:43
A Nigella haiku:
Oh, metric system
You make baking funny with
your grams and liters
9:40
"Let Dad school you with a vertical rotisserie." is a sentence I never hoped to hear, in a commercial or otherwise.
9:37
This entire show is candlelit and set to saxophone jazz. I think Food Network is trying to seduce me.
9:35
Nigellas casual vocabulary is my favorite. Shes making jam, and has described it as "fiery crimson" and "volcanically boiling." This is the stuff that goes with peanut butter, right?
9:32
Nigella is sploshing cider vinegar into sugar. I enjoy sploshing. Someday, I hope to splosh my way into college.
9:30
THE SHOW: Nigellas Christmas Kitchen
THE HOST: British cook/woman Id date if I went that way, Nigella Lawson
THE CONCEPT: homemade Christmas gifts
T-minus 24 minutes…
Most of this is just for fun, and to see how many ¾-sleeve sweaters I can spot, but I’ll also be keeping a close eye on how Food Network addresses the issues of health and frugality throughout the course of its normal schedule. This will involve a few holiday-oriented shows and possible multiple viewings of Paula’s Cookie Party, so don’t forget to cut ‘em some slack.
Feel free to chime in, too! I’ll be checking comments constantly, and highlighting my favorites as we go along. Criticism is good as long as its not personal or too mean. Funny is encouraged.
P.S. As with the BL Liveblog, this will go backwards, with the most recent commentary appearing up top.
1:59
On to Part II - 2:01pm to 7:00pm!
1:58
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: zero
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: er ... pretty low
HEALTH QUOTIENT: um ... also low
VERDICT: 10/10. Its Ina, and dissent will not be tolerated.
1:57
Jeffrey is playing a trick on Ina, to make her think he ate all the food. This is cruel and unnecessary. Also, I dont know how to spell "unnecessary."
1:51
The lobster pies were just dubbed "rustic." In cooking, is "rustic" a synonym for "messy"? If so, my apartment is very rustic.
1:49
Ina wants us to place pastry dough in the fridge for 30 minutes "to chill and relax." Unmentioned: "to light up some doobage and listen to Steve Miller albums on shuffle."
1:42
She is now making lobster pot pies. I was taught to appreciate fresh-from-the-animal lobster meat from a very young age, and always hesitate to use it in any recipe. I mean, what if I mess it up? And why would I want to dilute lobster flavor? But Im going with this, Ina. I trust you. Be caul with my heart.
1:40
Ina is visiting her fishmonger. I like to picture her being personal friends with her various mongers, and at the end of every year, they all have a giant monger party. Where they mong out, presumably.
1:36
Ina is wearing a black button-down instead of her usual denim one. If youre not a regular viewer, this means nothing to you, but if you are, its a plot twist on par with The Sixth Sense.
1:34
Husband-Elect, are you reading this? If so, can we go to Inas kitchen for our honeymoon? I will let you have the Gandalf ice carving if you say yes.
1:32
Shes making chocolate gelato. For Jeffrey, of course. CURSE YOU, JEFFREY!
1:31
THE SHOW: Baoot Contessa! WOOOO!
THE HOST: the lovely Ina Garten
THE CONCEPT: incredible food served by a woman you want to hang out with ALL THE TIME
1:28
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0, though the sleeves of her regular sweater were rolled up
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: high
HEALTH QUOTIENT: negative numbers
VERDICT: 7/10, for too many "yummos
1:26
On a related note, do you ever wonder if RR narrates her everyday movements when shes at home? "Well, Im goin to pick up my toothpaste like this. Awesome! Then Im going to grab my toothbrush like this. Yummo! Now Im gonna bring it up to my mouth, and run it back and forth across my teeth. All right! And we end by spitting the froth into the sink. Big finish!"
1:21
Toffee Hot Cocoa was just described as "SUPER delicious." Just once, I want a TV chef to say, "You know what? Its a broccoli recipe. It tastes slightly better than burlap, but if we dont get some veggies in our diets, well die."
1:19
Rachael is excellent at remaining upbeat. When youre makin TV, its really, really tough to turn on the cheer when youre not feeling it. But she manages. I dig that.
1:14
A haiku for Rachael:
You carry so much
but is that nutmeg ever
a burden too heavy?
1:11
Were having "ahh-some wanh-ffles" here everybody, but not before we eyeball the molasses.
1:06
Whenever RR asks us to "eyeball" something, I picture pouring the item (fennel, cloves, oil, etc.) on our actual eyeballs. This is not the intended meaning, I understand, but ... need more coffee.
1:03
Rachael is making sausage, and her accent ("sah-sidge") is making me miss my friends in Rochester and Buffalo. (*sniff*) You guys, lean ground chicken breast reminds me of you.
1:00
THE SHOW: 30-Minute Meals
THE HOST: Rachael Ray
THE CONCEPT: A nice woman from Western New York makes a meal in an unmentioned allotment of time.
12:59
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 1 (You can always count on Giada.)
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium; risotto is cheaper than you think
HEALTH QUOTIENT: pretty low
VERDICT: 10/10, for much-appreciated gratuitous use of champagne
12:57
For dessert, its Raspberry Limoncello Champagne and an Espresso Panna Cotta. Forget plain ol pregnancy. These will get you a Duggar-style reality show on TLC.
12:51
I love that PR folks think well enough of CHG to send us offers, but ... uh ... my name is Kristen. Not Christine. And I dont have kids. And I hate mayonnaise. Just sayin.
12:48
Champagne Risotto with Asparagus is Gs next date night recipe. (P.S. The theme of this show is "Date Night." Now you know.) Served with Chiarellos Peppermint Chocolate Tiramisu and Nigellas Espresso Martini, there is a 100% chance you will be pregnant by the end of the night.
12:46
This is the 37 millionth time the Le Cordon Bleu commercial is airing, and its only 12:46. If I hear, "Get your career cooking ... LITERALLY!" one more time, I will literally jump through the TV and broil that guy.
12:42
Giadas "this is so good" claw: check.
Giadas tasting O-face: check.
Still waiting for first pronunciation of "pan-CHET-tha."
12:37
Giada is frying some oysters. When shes done, they will be "sweet and tender, which is how your date will act after he eats them." I assume this means my date will also be breaded and covered in marinara sauce.
12:34
My Ma is as Irishiest of Irish ladies, but insists on pronouncing Latin and Italian foods as they would be in the native language. This means "mozzarella" is "mooz-a-dell" and "parmesan" is "parrrr-mi-jhan." Giada also does this. Giada is my Ma.
12:32
Giada starts out with panna cotta, or translated, "theres a cot in my pan."
12:31
THE SHOW: Everyday Italian
THE HOST: Giada DeLaurentiis
THE CONCEPT: Hot, talented chef makes authentic Italian dishes and funny tasting faces.
12:29
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0, though her blouse has shorter sleeves, yall
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: high, yall
HEALTH QUOTIENT: super, super low, yall
VERDICT: 9/10, for gentility, yall
12:23
Gingerbread Michael (Paulas husband) has white chest hair, a mohawk, and appears to be wearing a diaper. How does Real Michael feel about this?
12:19
Edit - Paula is making gingerbread men AND women. Later, they will create gingerbread babies together, unless they use gingerbread prophylactics.
12:12
Paulas making Gingerbread Men, and "when we come back, Im gonna show you how we bring these little [guys] to life." This is going to involve lightning and tiny brain transplants, isnt it?
12:06
Analogy time!
Paula Deen is to Fantasy Grandma as George Clooney is to _______.
A) Fantasy Boyfriend
B) Fantasy Shortstop
C) Fantasy Island
12:04
How you can tell this is an early episode: wrinkles, natural lighting, no cackling, zero appearances by Bobby and Jamie. I miss the cackling, yall.
12:02
Butter count: 1 stick so far.
12:00
THE SHOW: Paulas Home Cooking
THE HOST: Paula Deen, yall!
THE CONCEPT: Today, its cookies. But most days, its butter. Just butter.
11:59
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0 (it was full-length)
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: high - nothing was outrageous
HEALTH QUOTIENT: very low - I question serving some of these to kids as dinner
VERDICT: 6/10, for questionable usage of vessels
11:58
Robin blended strawberries and yogurt, and I thought for sure it was going to be a smoothie. But she poured it in a bowl, so now its a soup. If she poured it in a votive glass, would it be a candle?
11:52
Chopping montage! In general, wouldnt cooking would be much more awesome if all our chopping was set to Michael Jackson? Here, try it.
11:50
Good tip from Robin: make vinaigrettes and dressings in the bottom of the salad bowl, then toss everything afterward.
11:45
Once and for all: is cumin pronounced "keeyou-min" or "coo-min"?
11:43
Weve moved on to Mexican fondue, meaning cheese, spinach, artichokes, and salsa melted together. Im still deciding how I feel about this. Also: "take it to a whole new level" should be retired permanently, as should "outside the box."
11:36
Robin is having a tough time lifting her skillet. I can relate, having the upper body strength of a fetal chihuahua.
11:32
Robin is searing some scallops, and she just poured a dang gallon of olive oil into a large skillet. Look, I know olive oil is one of the healthier cooking fats, but 1/4 cup per serving doesnt do anyone any good. (Now getting off my high horse before I hurt myself.)
11:31
THE SHOW: Quick Fix Meals
THE HOST: Robin Miller
THE CONCEPT: Week-long dinners for busy families, with Oprah-esque theme song.
11:30
End of show. How you know: the wine comes out, and Mike changes into a red t-shirt under a charcoal grey blazer. Very Napa.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 1/2
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: low
HEALTH QUOTIENT: low
VERDICT: 8/10, for Peppermint Chocolate Tiramisu and general attractiveness
11:27
Why dont the Food Network hosts ever wash their own pots and pans? They should have a show made up entirely of Ina Garten and Bobby Flay doing dishes. I guarantee it would be a ratings winner.
11:23
He just poured about a cup of red wine into risotto, making it look like brains. Delicious, delicious brains. Again, the ugly/tasty paradox has been proven.
11:19
While I like Michael Chiarello, he suffers a bit from John Kerry Syndrome: you know hes totally great at what he does, but you dont necessarily want to have a beer with him.
11:15
Food Network Drinking Game, Rule #5739: Drink whenever a host claims he/she is "going somewhere," "checking the market out," or "has some errands to run" during the commercial break. We know you need more than four minutes to hit up the orchard, Chiarello.
11:13
Up next: a Peppermint Chocolate Tiramisu. I have never heard a finer collection of words. (P.S. Did you know "tiramisu" means "pick me up"? Me neither. Thanks, Mike!)
11:12
Currently, hes adding a TON of ground fennel to already fennel-heavy roast. Moderate amounts of fennel are always appreciated, but this looks like its going to taste like a bag of black licorice exploded in your mouth.
11:10
Chiarello isnt wearing a 3/4-sleeve sweater, but his pullover sleeves are rolled up to just under the elbow. Does that count?
11:09
Coffee procured! Urge to kill ... fading.
11:04
So far, this is an onion- and beet-heavy show. Not kid food, apparently. In first grade, either of those words would have thrown me into total gag lex failure.
11:01
THE SHOW: Easy Entertaining
THE HOST: Michael Chiarello
THE CONCEPT: "Formal fare in your formalwear." Clever boy.
10:59
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: a shocking 0
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: good - salad and tamales are pretty cheap
HEALTH QUOTIENT: nada, though points for trying with the salad
VERDICT: 7/10, for gratuitous shots of blending.
10:55
Emerils jacket has remained perfectly clean through the entire show, despite making salad, mac and cheese, tamales con queso, and cheesecake. No mess at all. I would look like Pizza the Hut after a day like that.
10:52
Have you seen the ice cream sandwich bench? Its $950, though if Trading Spaces has taught me anything, you can make it at home with $15.62 and a bedsheet.
10:49
Can I tell you how much I love it when Emeril adds alcohol to recipes? Everyone in the audience cheers like crazy, as if to say, "WOO! This flan is gonna get us totally sploshed!"
10:46
Holly from Ohio is the next winner of Emerils Say Cheese contest, and she has a very, very red kitchen. Like, all her appliances and countertops are a fiery crimson. Wouldnt that make you angry when youre cooking? Like youre in Hells Kitchen? "Dont TALK TO ME when Im making CHEESECAKE, DAMMIT!"
10:43
Time for a multiple choice question! What kind of degree does Doc Gibbs have?
A) Funkiness MD
B) A PhD in smoothosity
C) A doctorate in jazz hands
D) Gastroenterology
10:40
As Emeril rolls his second tamale, I find my mind wandering to faraway places. Like Morocco. Were fez hats just decorative, or did they have a purpose? They dont shade the eyes or protect the head very well, so Im figuring they were invented for aesthetic purposes. In a related story, I think its time for some coffee.
10:37
Another ugly-but-delicious food: ried beans. We can all agree it looks like baby puke, right?
10:33
Emeril is making tamales con queso, and keeps asking for "lahwd." I wondered why he would be using the lord in his cooking, until it occurred to me that hes saying "lard."
10:32
Food Network Drinking Game, Rule #437: take a shot every time you wonder how a food show can pay for a full band. Youll be sploshed inside an hour.
10:30
Re: Emerils accent. Hes from Boston, right? Because it sounds so Brooklyn sometimes, I imagine him selling me knockoff sunglasses on the corner by the Halal Chinese Food place.
10:27
Emeril is stirring white-gray crabmeat into a yellow-gray macaroni and cheese mixture. You know that scene in Empire Strikes Back, when Han makes Luke a bed out of TonTon intestines? It looks like that. Which is okay, because sometimes ugly food is the best food. (See: eggplant.)
10:23
Bathroom dilemma, solved. Thank god for commercials. Did you guys need to know that? Also of note: my computer is resting on a hummus tub so the bottom wont overheat. In Brooklyn, we work with what we have, folks.
10:20
Augh! The vertical rotisserie ad is back so "Dad" can school us some more. I think Ive found my nemesis for the day.
10:18
Emeril is both a "spoon guy" and a "whisk fan." Can you be both? Is that like rooting for the Yankees and the Mets?
10:16
Emeril is running a "Say Cheese" recipe contest. Pam from Maryland is a winner, and she reminds me of every nurse or teachers assistant Ive ever met. Pam is using crab in her macaroni and cheese, which "kicks [it] up to notches unknown." NOTCHES UNKNOWN.
10:11
Speaking of golf, what happens now that Tiger is in the permanent doghouse? I imagine curling will finally have its day as THE sport for people who dont like sudden movements.
10:08
Were watching a split screen of the blonde mom and Emeril blending a dressing. Its still more interesting than golf.
10:06
First tip, from an at-home video segment with a blonde mom: "Never walk away from your pine nuts." Truer words, never spoken. How many times have I set them to toast and sniffed the air three minutes later all like, "Whats burning?"
10:05
The theme of the show is cheese. I can get behind this.
10:00
THE SHOW: Emeril Live!
THE HOST: Emeril Lagasse
THE CONCEPT: The godfather of TV cheffery hosts a cooking show in front of a live audience, says "BAM" a lot. Theres a band, too.
9:58
Nigella ends the show scarfing potatoes on a crimson couch by a roaring fire, while angels play smooth jazz in the background. This is a Luther Vandross video.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 1
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: nothing too expensive here
HEALTH QUOTIENT: Well let it slide. Its a Christmas show.
VERDICT: 10/10, for sexiness
9:54
Were up to fully loaded baked potatoes. Cooked by candlelight, naturally. Ive never been attracted to a potato before today, but somehow, Nigella is making them look sexy. Maybe because she just "splodged" them with sour cream, and now - I swear to god - is "forking them together."
9:52
Its not even time for Price is Right, and Nigellas guests are eating Christmas tree cakes and getting sploshed on espresso martinis. I want to go to there.
9:50
Her strata is (direct quote): "Like a toasted cheese sandwich, but a celestial one, as if eaten by angels." If heaven is filled with grilled cheese sandwiches, I will feel a lot better about death.
9:47
Unconsidered when planning 19-hour blogging marathon: when do I go to the bathroom?
9:45
Nigellas cake batter is "perfectly plain, but anything but austere." Husband-Elect just kissed me goodbye and went to work. Are these related somehow?
9:43
A Nigella haiku:
Oh, metric system
You make baking funny with
your grams and liters
9:40
"Let Dad school you with a vertical rotisserie." is a sentence I never hoped to hear, in a commercial or otherwise.
9:37
This entire show is candlelit and set to saxophone jazz. I think Food Network is trying to seduce me.
9:35
Nigellas casual vocabulary is my favorite. Shes making jam, and has described it as "fiery crimson" and "volcanically boiling." This is the stuff that goes with peanut butter, right?
9:32
Nigella is sploshing cider vinegar into sugar. I enjoy sploshing. Someday, I hope to splosh my way into college.
9:30
THE SHOW: Nigellas Christmas Kitchen
THE HOST: British cook/woman Id date if I went that way, Nigella Lawson
THE CONCEPT: homemade Christmas gifts
T-minus 24 minutes…
Food Network Liveblog Marathon Part 3 – 7 01pm to 12am
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Welcome to the Food Network Liveblog/Running Diary, Part 3. (Part 1 over here, Part 2 here.) There are 9-1/2 hours down, with 9-1/2 to go. Just a fun reminder: I’m checking comments constantly, and will highlight favorites as we go along. So chime in! Can’t wait to read.
RSS subscribers, a quick note: these posts are being updated every few minutes, and subsequently, wont appear on the feed in full. They are on the homesite, though, if youd like to peruse.
P.S. As with the BL Liveblog, this will go backwards, with the most recent commentary appearing up top.
12:00am
End of Part 3! On to the 4th and final part!
11:59
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: nope
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: nope
HEALTH QUOTIENT: nope
VERDICT: 2/10, for infuriating me with ... factory line footage.
11:58
Now profiling snackmakers Pirates Booty. Its the same damn conveyor belt with different food on it. You wont fool me, Summers!
11:52
Unwrapped is profiling organic grocery store Whole Foods, a.k.a. Whole Paycheck, a.k.a. That Place Where I Cant Afford Apples. Theyre trying to "dispel the myth that organic has to cost more." Unmentioned: "sell $40 chicken legs."
11:45
Its a quarter to midnight and Im drinking iced coffee. The hallucinations should start soon. My Christmas tree is already starting to look like a Tim Burton movie.
11:40
Alternate names for Unwrapped: The Conveyor Belt Show, People in Hairnets, White Owners/ Non-White Employees, and Drippy Chocolate.
11:33
The Husband-Elect and I have a private joke about this show in that sometimes, we have entire conversations using Marc Summers vocal inflections:
Me: "Hon, can you get me ... a cup of coffee?"
Him: "Would you like ... a little milk?"
Me: "Maybe also ... a paper napkin?"
Him: "Of course, Ill ... be right back."
11:31
THE SHOW: Oh god ... Unwrapped.
THE HOST: Marc Summers
THE CONCEPT: How boring mass produced food is boringly made.
11:29
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: zero - Weird Al Yankovic shirts is Altons perred look
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: sky high
HEALTH QUOTIENT: medium
VERDICT: 12/10, for being my TV boyfriend (with apologies to Tim Riggins).
11:27
Alton now preparing a Dutch Pancake, or, as its more commonly known, a Pancake That Pays for its Half of a Date.
11:25
How much I wanted to see "Its Complicated" at the beginning of the day: 54%
Number of commercials for "Its Complicated" seen today: approximately 30
How much I want to see "Its Complicated" now: -4%
11:21
Holy ... the recipe for Yorkshire pudding is almost exactly the same as the recipe for popovers! This show makes everyone smarter. Is there any doubt its the best on Food Network?
11:20
We have suddenly jumped to Yorkshire pudding, as defined in the 1500s. We have gone Back to the Future, and Doc Alton Brown is our guide, Marty.
11:15
The popovers are being filled with all kinds of disturbing things - fruit, ice cream, broth, etc. Wheres the butter? Wheres the jam? They are afraid and alone. Unfrozen Caveman Popovers.
11:12
Have those popover signs been popping up throughout they whole show? They have, havent they? Im not a genius, then. Im merely brilliant.
11:09
Oh! Hes buying a popover pan. Hes making popovers. Im a genius. All hail me.
11:05
This is brilliant. Altons given us the show recipes ingredients, but hasnt revealed the name of the recipe itself yet. We have to figure it out ourselves. He is the Will Shortz of TV chefs.
11:02
Alton is explaining flour, and hes uncomfortably close to the camera. He has 257 eyebrow hairs.
11:00
THE SHOW: Good Eats! Finally!
THE HOST: Alton Brown!
THE CONCEPT: Cooking nerd schools us, is generally pretty great.
10:59
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: pretty high - theyre volunteers
HEALTH QUOTIENT: theyve been working out, so its okay
VERDICT: 6/10, for the lack of yelling.
10:57
Miss Brenda just got a look at her new home, and shes stunned. The dining room almost knocked her over. What a sweet lady.
10:47
Fill in the blank! There is a disturbing amount of food _____:
A) stitting outside without rigeration
B) in close proximity to the ground
C) being prepared by men whose primary talent is sweating
10:42
Irvine is hilariously reluctant to yell at his fellow volunteers. Its like watching a pit bull with a Barbie jump rope tied around its muzzle.
10:40
In regard to Bobby Flays repeated Throwdown drubbings, reader Kat writes: "Challenging anyone and everyone to a Throwdown is getting slightly embarrassing, especially when you lose every dang time. Im only trying to protect you, man."
10:38
The manufactured drama in this show is freakin killing me. Have they ever not finished in time?
10:36
Our brown rug is now a brown rug with red spots. Merry Christmas!
10:31
Sweet and sour sauce spill. Back in a minute.
10:24
Ooo - I lied. This is an hour-long show. Irvine is safe ... FOR NOW.
10:17
This show ends in 13 minutes and no ones started cooking yet. Theyre about to have some very angry Habitat for Humanitarians on their hands. And they have hammers.
10:14
Does everyone in Mississippi play banjo or blues guitar? Is that a prerequisite to live in the state? On Long Island, you have to know the lyrics to every Bill Joel song.
10:12
Robert is squaring off/doing a dance of love with the local soul food restaurant owner. If theyre not making out by the end of this, I will eat my own socks.
10:03
At the end of the show, theyre giving Brenda keys to her renovated home, which was ruined in Katrina in 2005. Yknow, weve been looking at pictures from the hurricane for three years now, and its still infuriating and sad.
10:00
THE SHOW: Dinner Impossible
THE HOST: Robert Irvine
THE CONCEPT: The Chef has to feed 1000 volunteers in Biloxi, Mississippi. He has nine hours.
9:58
End of show. Father Leo won, duh.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: pretty high
HEALTH QUOTIENT: fairly high, I guess. Im flustered
VERDICT: 9/10, for avoiding the obvious holy cow jokes
9:58
The bed music sounds like its excerpted from Rocky 16: Rocky Goes to Crate & Barrel.
9:52
Dear Pope Benedict,
Hi there! How are you? So glad you seem to be doing well. I was just wondering - is there a way to incorporate more fajitas into the average mass? I promise I would go more often.
Hugs,
Kristen
P.S. I understand if you dont want to dignify this with a response.
9:48
Father Leos secret marinade ingredient: "holy water." And he was taught to chop by Mother Theresa. What a cool life, Batman.
9:43
Father Leo is a ham of the highest order. Can I say that? Will I still get into heaven?
9:41
We have entered Hour 12 of the blogathon. There is a butt-shaped jello mold where my actual butt used to be.
9:38
A haiku about Father Leo:
Awesome ninja priest
preaches peace but will nunchuk
you if provoked, dude.
9:33
Leos a breakdancing Catholic priest who loves cooking and has a third-degree black belt. He also has many, many religious cooking puns in his back pocket. Bobby is a dead man. And his soul isnt too safe, either.
9:30
THE SHOW: Throwdown
THE HOST: Bobby Flay
THE CONCEPT: Bobbys challenging a priest for the Best Fajita crown. Expect a lot of holy plays on words.
9:28
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none - will the mustache suffice?
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: surprisingly relevant - there was a budgetary aspect to the challenge
HEALTH QUOTIENT: uh - okay, I guess
VERDICT: 7/10, for the mustache
9:27
The fire chief/eree has an incredible handlebar mustache not unlike this Emperor Tamarin.
9:22
Bobbys adding honey to his tomato sauce. Ive never seen that before. Italian grandmamas that read this blog: does this happen?
9:20
If my ears doth not deceive me, Keith just called his poultry "chicken bosom." Im using that from now on and claiming it as my own. No one will ever know. MUAHAHAHAHA.
9:19
But seriously, Keith ate him.
9:18
Oh, how I jest. Both men are still alive. Their fight will be fought in an arena of food.
9:15
Bobby walked into the firehouse to propose the challenge and Keith ate him. It was awful.
9:12
Big difference between Bobby and Keiths cacciatore: Flay uses red wine, while the fiighter opts for white, figuring it goes better with chicken. I think I have to go with the Iron Chef here, folks. Red wine + tomatoes = party in my mouth, and everyones invited.
9:10
Chicken cacciatore literally translates into "hunters chicken," or "chicken that you caught with a big gun and then soaked in tomatoes until its bloody-looking."
9:06
Do you have a distinctive accent? Does it get worse when youre around your family? Mine does, and Bobbys is too, the longer he hangs out with these New York fiighters.
9:01
New York City firehouse chef Keith Young is 6-foot-6, and has a Long Island accent thats almost as big. He loves "protectin prah-petty" and "caw-melized onions." I love his bald head.
9:00
THE SHOW: Throwdown
THE HOST: Bobby Flay
THE CONCEPT: The Chef of note challenges a renowned Chicken Cacciatore cook to discover whose version is best.
8:59
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none - but the bird of paradise blouse made up for it
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: n/a
HEALTH QUOTIENT: below absolute zero
VERDICT: 10/10 - insanely entertaining, yall
8:54
Michaels here! Hes dressed in a Santa suit to enhance his natural Santa-ness, and even in the jacket, its apparent hes lost significant weight. Paula has too, come to think of it. Anyone know what theyre doing?
8:53
Paula is calling her decorator out for bringing store-bought cookies to the swap. The decorator looks mortified, like you just told her she has toilet paper stuck in her teeth.
8:52
Reader Robyn has an excellent question: "What happened to the lady who won the last Food Network Star?"
8:48
Yall, were not done yet! Paulas decking the halls in a tasty way. Or something. Its late, and I just ate two pounds of sesame noodles.
8:44
Crossover alert! Paulas brought in Bobby from HGTV. Hes teaching her how to wrap cookies all pretty-like, with ribbon and such. History Channel wishes it was this riveting.
8:38
If our first child is a boy, were naming him Paul Dean. He will be Southern, super gay, and totally delightful.
8:33
How do the Deens have so many family recipes? It seems like every dish has been in their family since the beginning of time. We have one family recipe, and its for wallpaper paste.
8:32
Jamie and Bobby sighting! Theyre making ... sand tarts? What the hell are they saying?
8:29
Seen today: Ina, Giada, Bobby, Tyler, Rachael, lots of Paula
Unseen today: Mario, Ace, Sara, Anne Burrell, Santa Claus, James Bond
8:22
The further we get into this show, the more apparent its become that Paula might be partaking in some Christmas spirits. I wish I could join her, but there are EIGHT HOURS OF BLOGGING LEFT. Eat your heart out, Jerry Lewis.
8:14
Also, theyre toasting nuts. Hee. Toasted nuts.
8:11
Hee. The lady cooking with Paula now is named Mrs. Susie Butts. In college, I worked making cold calls to hundreds of people with (really real) names like Warren Peace, Homer Simpson, John F. Kennedy, and Mrs. Shitrit.
8:06
Paula 2009 is the kind of grandma youd introduce to all your friends, and then take to a champagne bar/drag club to hang out with ladies with names like Barbara Ghanoush and Honey Crisp. The next day, shed disappear back to Georgia and youd be sad for like, 100 years.
8:04
Time for another multiple choice question! Paula is wearing:
A) a brightly-colored shirt
B) Jimmy Buffet
C) several pomegranates
D) a Polynesian barbecue
8:02
Paula 2009 is SO MUCH MORE GLAM than Paula 2006. Whereas Paula 2006 probably enjoyed bridge and 60 Minutes, Paula 2009 would wear leather pants and tour with the Scissor Sisters.
8:01
THE SHOW: Paulas Cookie Swap
THE HOST: Paula Deen
THE CONCEPT: Friends and family of the Deenster are dropping by with their favorite cookie recipes. Jamie and Bobby are here! Finally, yall!
7:59
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: zip
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: n/a
HEALTH QUOTIENT: n/a, unless youre into eating trees
VERDICT: 5/10, for lack of terrifying Carrie juge and bizarre four-level pineapple tree topper that will never leave my nightmares
7:55
Edible Film Baker is getting reamed by the judges. (A pun! Its a pun!)
7:52
L.A. guy just told his mom to clean up his mess! Its a shocking parent/child role reversal and its making me uncomfortable. The familial hierarchy exists for a reason, people!
7:47
How I know the Husband-Elect is the right guy: he saw me after ten hours of blogging and didnt scream "CRONE!" and run away to Timbuktu.
7:44
Staten Island baker is using an edible film paper, which I had no idea existed. I will be licking a lot more random paper now. Yknow, to test it out.
7:42
Question for readers: would you want to eat ornaments that have been shoved in a sap-filled Christmas tree? Where squirrels and birds might have lived? I suck on tinsel every now and then, so no judgment.
7:40
The Long Island bakers brother is hilariously inept.
Interviewer: What do you like, David?
Brother: Sports and ... uh, sports.
~~~
Brother (holding up ornament): Where should I put these?
Baker: Its a Christmas tree, David.
7:32
Food Network Drinking Game, Rule #2893752: If something can go wrong with a Food Challenge ingredient, it will. And it wont be something youd ever expect. "Oh no, my tortilla is too flaky!" "Oh no, my edible silver beads are too roll-ey!" "Oh no, my cream puffs are becoming too moist, which will disconnect them from the adhesive chocolate!"
7:30
Another baker basically took some lasagna ingredients, spray painted them, and threw them up wherever theyd fit. Im not sayin I could do that, but Im very good at sticking lasagna in trees.
7:22
One baker is making garland out of metal tubing and cream puffs. Another is doing it with amber sugar-covered chestnuts. These may end up tasting like roofing material, but they sure look good.
7:16
In New York, theres a childrens behavioral adjustment program commercial that promises to fix your kids bad habits. One part claims it will even "turn your childs attitude around in one minute or less." Imagine the possibilities there. I imagine it will involve threats to send kids to China.
7:11
Food Network brought in the contestants parents and siblings in as special assistants, and there is immediate friction between the Staten Island mother/daughter pair. I hope this doesnt devolve into Jersey Shore-style shenanigans. Theres not enough spray tan in the world.
7:10
Lisa Simpson is trying to find her way north, and Bart has a faucet stuck to his ... damn, this isnt the right channel.
7:06
There is a shocking lack of Carrie Whats-her-face, the terrifying British judge that usually reduces the contestants to weeping piles of mushy goo. Its going to be up to the guy with the glasses and spiky hair who isnt Guy Fieri (TGWTGASHWIGF), and I dont think he has the cojones.
7:03
Todays competitors are three New Yorkers and a dude from L.A. whose "mother would cry if [the tree] wasnt pretty enough." Has mom trained him well enough? Will the New Yorkers bring their crowbars? Can everyone make nice flowers? FEEL THE EXCITEMENT.
7:01
THE SHOW: Food Network Challenge - Edible Ornaments
THE HOST: The guy with the glasses and spiky hair who isnt Guy Fieri
THE CONCEPT: Cakemakers are taking real trees and covering them with edible ornaments
RSS subscribers, a quick note: these posts are being updated every few minutes, and subsequently, wont appear on the feed in full. They are on the homesite, though, if youd like to peruse.
P.S. As with the BL Liveblog, this will go backwards, with the most recent commentary appearing up top.
12:00am
End of Part 3! On to the 4th and final part!
11:59
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: nope
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: nope
HEALTH QUOTIENT: nope
VERDICT: 2/10, for infuriating me with ... factory line footage.
11:58
Now profiling snackmakers Pirates Booty. Its the same damn conveyor belt with different food on it. You wont fool me, Summers!
11:52
Unwrapped is profiling organic grocery store Whole Foods, a.k.a. Whole Paycheck, a.k.a. That Place Where I Cant Afford Apples. Theyre trying to "dispel the myth that organic has to cost more." Unmentioned: "sell $40 chicken legs."
11:45
Its a quarter to midnight and Im drinking iced coffee. The hallucinations should start soon. My Christmas tree is already starting to look like a Tim Burton movie.
11:40
Alternate names for Unwrapped: The Conveyor Belt Show, People in Hairnets, White Owners/ Non-White Employees, and Drippy Chocolate.
11:33
The Husband-Elect and I have a private joke about this show in that sometimes, we have entire conversations using Marc Summers vocal inflections:
Me: "Hon, can you get me ... a cup of coffee?"
Him: "Would you like ... a little milk?"
Me: "Maybe also ... a paper napkin?"
Him: "Of course, Ill ... be right back."
11:31
THE SHOW: Oh god ... Unwrapped.
THE HOST: Marc Summers
THE CONCEPT: How boring mass produced food is boringly made.
11:29
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: zero - Weird Al Yankovic shirts is Altons perred look
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: sky high
HEALTH QUOTIENT: medium
VERDICT: 12/10, for being my TV boyfriend (with apologies to Tim Riggins).
11:27
Alton now preparing a Dutch Pancake, or, as its more commonly known, a Pancake That Pays for its Half of a Date.
11:25
How much I wanted to see "Its Complicated" at the beginning of the day: 54%
Number of commercials for "Its Complicated" seen today: approximately 30
How much I want to see "Its Complicated" now: -4%
11:21
Holy ... the recipe for Yorkshire pudding is almost exactly the same as the recipe for popovers! This show makes everyone smarter. Is there any doubt its the best on Food Network?
11:20
We have suddenly jumped to Yorkshire pudding, as defined in the 1500s. We have gone Back to the Future, and Doc Alton Brown is our guide, Marty.
11:15
The popovers are being filled with all kinds of disturbing things - fruit, ice cream, broth, etc. Wheres the butter? Wheres the jam? They are afraid and alone. Unfrozen Caveman Popovers.
11:12
Have those popover signs been popping up throughout they whole show? They have, havent they? Im not a genius, then. Im merely brilliant.
11:09
Oh! Hes buying a popover pan. Hes making popovers. Im a genius. All hail me.
11:05
This is brilliant. Altons given us the show recipes ingredients, but hasnt revealed the name of the recipe itself yet. We have to figure it out ourselves. He is the Will Shortz of TV chefs.
11:02
Alton is explaining flour, and hes uncomfortably close to the camera. He has 257 eyebrow hairs.
11:00
THE SHOW: Good Eats! Finally!
THE HOST: Alton Brown!
THE CONCEPT: Cooking nerd schools us, is generally pretty great.
10:59
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: pretty high - theyre volunteers
HEALTH QUOTIENT: theyve been working out, so its okay
VERDICT: 6/10, for the lack of yelling.
10:57
Miss Brenda just got a look at her new home, and shes stunned. The dining room almost knocked her over. What a sweet lady.
10:47
Fill in the blank! There is a disturbing amount of food _____:
A) stitting outside without rigeration
B) in close proximity to the ground
C) being prepared by men whose primary talent is sweating
10:42
Irvine is hilariously reluctant to yell at his fellow volunteers. Its like watching a pit bull with a Barbie jump rope tied around its muzzle.
10:40
In regard to Bobby Flays repeated Throwdown drubbings, reader Kat writes: "Challenging anyone and everyone to a Throwdown is getting slightly embarrassing, especially when you lose every dang time. Im only trying to protect you, man."
10:38
The manufactured drama in this show is freakin killing me. Have they ever not finished in time?
10:36
Our brown rug is now a brown rug with red spots. Merry Christmas!
10:31
Sweet and sour sauce spill. Back in a minute.
10:24
Ooo - I lied. This is an hour-long show. Irvine is safe ... FOR NOW.
10:17
This show ends in 13 minutes and no ones started cooking yet. Theyre about to have some very angry Habitat for Humanitarians on their hands. And they have hammers.
10:14
Does everyone in Mississippi play banjo or blues guitar? Is that a prerequisite to live in the state? On Long Island, you have to know the lyrics to every Bill Joel song.
10:12
Robert is squaring off/doing a dance of love with the local soul food restaurant owner. If theyre not making out by the end of this, I will eat my own socks.
10:03
At the end of the show, theyre giving Brenda keys to her renovated home, which was ruined in Katrina in 2005. Yknow, weve been looking at pictures from the hurricane for three years now, and its still infuriating and sad.
10:00
THE SHOW: Dinner Impossible
THE HOST: Robert Irvine
THE CONCEPT: The Chef has to feed 1000 volunteers in Biloxi, Mississippi. He has nine hours.
9:58
End of show. Father Leo won, duh.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: pretty high
HEALTH QUOTIENT: fairly high, I guess. Im flustered
VERDICT: 9/10, for avoiding the obvious holy cow jokes
9:58
The bed music sounds like its excerpted from Rocky 16: Rocky Goes to Crate & Barrel.
9:52
Dear Pope Benedict,
Hi there! How are you? So glad you seem to be doing well. I was just wondering - is there a way to incorporate more fajitas into the average mass? I promise I would go more often.
Hugs,
Kristen
P.S. I understand if you dont want to dignify this with a response.
9:48
Father Leos secret marinade ingredient: "holy water." And he was taught to chop by Mother Theresa. What a cool life, Batman.
9:43
Father Leo is a ham of the highest order. Can I say that? Will I still get into heaven?
9:41
We have entered Hour 12 of the blogathon. There is a butt-shaped jello mold where my actual butt used to be.
9:38
A haiku about Father Leo:
Awesome ninja priest
preaches peace but will nunchuk
you if provoked, dude.
9:33
Leos a breakdancing Catholic priest who loves cooking and has a third-degree black belt. He also has many, many religious cooking puns in his back pocket. Bobby is a dead man. And his soul isnt too safe, either.
9:30
THE SHOW: Throwdown
THE HOST: Bobby Flay
THE CONCEPT: Bobbys challenging a priest for the Best Fajita crown. Expect a lot of holy plays on words.
9:28
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none - will the mustache suffice?
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: surprisingly relevant - there was a budgetary aspect to the challenge
HEALTH QUOTIENT: uh - okay, I guess
VERDICT: 7/10, for the mustache
9:27
The fire chief/eree has an incredible handlebar mustache not unlike this Emperor Tamarin.
9:22
Bobbys adding honey to his tomato sauce. Ive never seen that before. Italian grandmamas that read this blog: does this happen?
9:20
If my ears doth not deceive me, Keith just called his poultry "chicken bosom." Im using that from now on and claiming it as my own. No one will ever know. MUAHAHAHAHA.
9:19
But seriously, Keith ate him.
9:18
Oh, how I jest. Both men are still alive. Their fight will be fought in an arena of food.
9:15
Bobby walked into the firehouse to propose the challenge and Keith ate him. It was awful.
9:12
Big difference between Bobby and Keiths cacciatore: Flay uses red wine, while the fiighter opts for white, figuring it goes better with chicken. I think I have to go with the Iron Chef here, folks. Red wine + tomatoes = party in my mouth, and everyones invited.
9:10
Chicken cacciatore literally translates into "hunters chicken," or "chicken that you caught with a big gun and then soaked in tomatoes until its bloody-looking."
9:06
Do you have a distinctive accent? Does it get worse when youre around your family? Mine does, and Bobbys is too, the longer he hangs out with these New York fiighters.
9:01
New York City firehouse chef Keith Young is 6-foot-6, and has a Long Island accent thats almost as big. He loves "protectin prah-petty" and "caw-melized onions." I love his bald head.
9:00
THE SHOW: Throwdown
THE HOST: Bobby Flay
THE CONCEPT: The Chef of note challenges a renowned Chicken Cacciatore cook to discover whose version is best.
8:59
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none - but the bird of paradise blouse made up for it
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: n/a
HEALTH QUOTIENT: below absolute zero
VERDICT: 10/10 - insanely entertaining, yall
8:54
Michaels here! Hes dressed in a Santa suit to enhance his natural Santa-ness, and even in the jacket, its apparent hes lost significant weight. Paula has too, come to think of it. Anyone know what theyre doing?
8:53
Paula is calling her decorator out for bringing store-bought cookies to the swap. The decorator looks mortified, like you just told her she has toilet paper stuck in her teeth.
8:52
Reader Robyn has an excellent question: "What happened to the lady who won the last Food Network Star?"
8:48
Yall, were not done yet! Paulas decking the halls in a tasty way. Or something. Its late, and I just ate two pounds of sesame noodles.
8:44
Crossover alert! Paulas brought in Bobby from HGTV. Hes teaching her how to wrap cookies all pretty-like, with ribbon and such. History Channel wishes it was this riveting.
8:38
If our first child is a boy, were naming him Paul Dean. He will be Southern, super gay, and totally delightful.
8:33
How do the Deens have so many family recipes? It seems like every dish has been in their family since the beginning of time. We have one family recipe, and its for wallpaper paste.
8:32
Jamie and Bobby sighting! Theyre making ... sand tarts? What the hell are they saying?
8:29
Seen today: Ina, Giada, Bobby, Tyler, Rachael, lots of Paula
Unseen today: Mario, Ace, Sara, Anne Burrell, Santa Claus, James Bond
8:22
The further we get into this show, the more apparent its become that Paula might be partaking in some Christmas spirits. I wish I could join her, but there are EIGHT HOURS OF BLOGGING LEFT. Eat your heart out, Jerry Lewis.
8:14
Also, theyre toasting nuts. Hee. Toasted nuts.
8:11
Hee. The lady cooking with Paula now is named Mrs. Susie Butts. In college, I worked making cold calls to hundreds of people with (really real) names like Warren Peace, Homer Simpson, John F. Kennedy, and Mrs. Shitrit.
8:06
Paula 2009 is the kind of grandma youd introduce to all your friends, and then take to a champagne bar/drag club to hang out with ladies with names like Barbara Ghanoush and Honey Crisp. The next day, shed disappear back to Georgia and youd be sad for like, 100 years.
8:04
Time for another multiple choice question! Paula is wearing:
A) a brightly-colored shirt
B) Jimmy Buffet
C) several pomegranates
D) a Polynesian barbecue
8:02
Paula 2009 is SO MUCH MORE GLAM than Paula 2006. Whereas Paula 2006 probably enjoyed bridge and 60 Minutes, Paula 2009 would wear leather pants and tour with the Scissor Sisters.
8:01
THE SHOW: Paulas Cookie Swap
THE HOST: Paula Deen
THE CONCEPT: Friends and family of the Deenster are dropping by with their favorite cookie recipes. Jamie and Bobby are here! Finally, yall!
7:59
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: zip
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: n/a
HEALTH QUOTIENT: n/a, unless youre into eating trees
VERDICT: 5/10, for lack of terrifying Carrie juge and bizarre four-level pineapple tree topper that will never leave my nightmares
7:55
Edible Film Baker is getting reamed by the judges. (A pun! Its a pun!)
7:52
L.A. guy just told his mom to clean up his mess! Its a shocking parent/child role reversal and its making me uncomfortable. The familial hierarchy exists for a reason, people!
7:47
How I know the Husband-Elect is the right guy: he saw me after ten hours of blogging and didnt scream "CRONE!" and run away to Timbuktu.
7:44
Staten Island baker is using an edible film paper, which I had no idea existed. I will be licking a lot more random paper now. Yknow, to test it out.
7:42
Question for readers: would you want to eat ornaments that have been shoved in a sap-filled Christmas tree? Where squirrels and birds might have lived? I suck on tinsel every now and then, so no judgment.
7:40
The Long Island bakers brother is hilariously inept.
Interviewer: What do you like, David?
Brother: Sports and ... uh, sports.
~~~
Brother (holding up ornament): Where should I put these?
Baker: Its a Christmas tree, David.
7:32
Food Network Drinking Game, Rule #2893752: If something can go wrong with a Food Challenge ingredient, it will. And it wont be something youd ever expect. "Oh no, my tortilla is too flaky!" "Oh no, my edible silver beads are too roll-ey!" "Oh no, my cream puffs are becoming too moist, which will disconnect them from the adhesive chocolate!"
7:30
Another baker basically took some lasagna ingredients, spray painted them, and threw them up wherever theyd fit. Im not sayin I could do that, but Im very good at sticking lasagna in trees.
7:22
One baker is making garland out of metal tubing and cream puffs. Another is doing it with amber sugar-covered chestnuts. These may end up tasting like roofing material, but they sure look good.
7:16
In New York, theres a childrens behavioral adjustment program commercial that promises to fix your kids bad habits. One part claims it will even "turn your childs attitude around in one minute or less." Imagine the possibilities there. I imagine it will involve threats to send kids to China.
7:11
Food Network brought in the contestants parents and siblings in as special assistants, and there is immediate friction between the Staten Island mother/daughter pair. I hope this doesnt devolve into Jersey Shore-style shenanigans. Theres not enough spray tan in the world.
7:10
Lisa Simpson is trying to find her way north, and Bart has a faucet stuck to his ... damn, this isnt the right channel.
7:06
There is a shocking lack of Carrie Whats-her-face, the terrifying British judge that usually reduces the contestants to weeping piles of mushy goo. Its going to be up to the guy with the glasses and spiky hair who isnt Guy Fieri (TGWTGASHWIGF), and I dont think he has the cojones.
7:03
Todays competitors are three New Yorkers and a dude from L.A. whose "mother would cry if [the tree] wasnt pretty enough." Has mom trained him well enough? Will the New Yorkers bring their crowbars? Can everyone make nice flowers? FEEL THE EXCITEMENT.
7:01
THE SHOW: Food Network Challenge - Edible Ornaments
THE HOST: The guy with the glasses and spiky hair who isnt Guy Fieri
THE CONCEPT: Cakemakers are taking real trees and covering them with edible ornaments
Running a marathon can be bad for the heart especially in less prepared runners
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Investigators who studied a group of recreational marathon runners have established that strenuous exercise such as running a marathon can damage the heart muscle. Although they found the effect is temporary and reversible, they warn that these effects are more widespread in less fit distance runners and that recreational distance runners should prepare properly before marathons. Their findings are published in the October issue of the Canadian Journal of Cardiology.
Previous reports have established that a significant percentage of sports competitors show signs of heart muscle injury and cardiac abnormalities after prolonged exercise. In a new study designed to evaluate what kind of stress running a marathon puts on the heart, and whether this might cause permanent damage, investigators evaluated 20 recreational distance runners aged between 18 and 60 who were scheduled to take part in the Quebec City Marathon and who had no known cardiovascular disease or drug treatment. The participants were all amateur runners. Those who had run another marathon less than two months before recruitment or during the study period were excluded.
The runners were extensively observed and tested six to eight weeks before the marathon and on the day itself. They were tested again within 48 hours after completing the marathon, including a second MRI study and final blood sampling. This timeframe guaranteed adequate rehydration (assessed according to hemoglobin level) and a return to baseline hemodynamic state (assessed according to heart rate and blood pressure) after the race, but was short enough to observe any significant myocardial changes before recovery. All runners with decreased left ventricular ejection fraction (LVEF), a measure of cardiac pumping efficiency, after the race compared with baseline underwent a third MRI study after three months of rest to check whether it had reversed.
Investigators noted that the race induced a decrease in left and right ventricular function in half of the amateur distance runners. When a lot of the heart was affected, the heart also showed swelling and reduced blood flow. "We first established that marathon related segmental function decrease – observed in more than half of all segments – is associated with a decrease in resting perfusion and increase in myocardial edema," observes senior author Eric Larose, DVM, MD, FRCPC, FAHA, of the Institut universitaire de cardiologie et de pneumologie de Québec (IUCPQ), Canada. "We also found that heart muscle changes were more common and widespread in runners with lower fitness and less training. Finally, we observed that these changes were transient," he continues.
The investigators do not believe these temporary changes are a cause for concern. "Segmental function decrease is associated with poor prognosis in the presence of CAD or cardiomyopathy. Segmental dysfunction also indicates a poor prognosis in adults without cardiovascular disease. Although we dont know whether such changes mean that recreational runners are at risk, the attendant edema, and reduced perfusion suggest transient injury," says Larose.
"The changes are more widespread among those with lower fitness levels and less training," observes Larose, who is professor of medicine at Université Laval and a cardiologist and clinical researcher at IUCPQ. "Although no permanent injury was observed in this group of runners, the findings suggest that there may be a minimum fitness level needed beyond which the heart can bounce back from the strain of training and running a long race. Furthermore, these results emphasize the need for proper preparation before recreational distance runners engage in a marathon race," he concludes.
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