Showing posts with label am. Show all posts
Showing posts with label am. Show all posts
The Diabetes Detour Where am I again
Thursday, April 10, 2014
 |
| One of lifes many reminders that I am not alone, with diabetes. |
No one answered.
The world felt really odd, and weird. My head, compressed and pained, while my vision was at odds with my mind... as if I had put on a pair of someones prescription glasses many times more powerful than my own vision, and making everything in sight oddly concave.
"She keeps saying that!" said the voice of a red headed woman with too much eye make up, in an exasperated tone, and incredulous that I could not remember who any of them were. Funny, I thought Id only asked once. The attention was unnerving, and frightening... and their annoyance was oddly embarrassing. I really wanted to get out of there, and go home... If only I could of remembered where home was.
On October 26th, 2007, I had a massive seizure at my desk, at work... Or so they tell me. I cant remember when it started, or what provoked it... I cant remember much of anything about it, or that day, for that matter.
All I can remember is laying in a hospital bed, in a medical gown and no underwear, under the gaze of my former Human Resource Manager, and trying hard not to look like a woman whos not wearing a bra. He was a brutish man, with a hot temper, and little human resource education. Its the way of the world in some of these up and coming companies. You get to be buddy-buddy with the head honchos, join the good ol boys club, and then it doesnt matter if you have any qualifications for a job. His way of qualifications was a 6 month stint as temporary HR manager back in 1984. (Yes, you can laugh out loud.)
... And so it was that a company who sold out to a much bigger company, coincided with a production foreman (wise in the ways of verbally intimidating employees) being made into an HR Manager (a position which requires extreme diplomacy), and me... developing extremely debilitating, and uncontrolled type 2 diabetes, with no one knowing what it was, at the time.
It was a perfect storm, really.
They needed to cut down on employees... and I got sick. I was a good target. We all knew they were going to cut SOMEONE. They kept having all those behind closed doors meetings. And no one knew what I had at the time, so I got to be made to look like a mediocre employee who just wanted to play hooky and not show up to work. A great way to cut staff (and I made quite a bit of money, in my position, so it was quite the savings for them, I am sure). They had already tried to intimidate me... by demoting me, claiming I was unorganized, and had made many mistakes. (It didnt matter that, when I asked, they had absolutely no examples to provide to back up their assertions, other than my illness related absences, which had been closely monitored by my doctor... nor that a few months earlier, they had given me perfect praise... nor that my previous review had been above excellent.) They wanted to break ME as a person, and get me to quit. They wanted to treat ME as worthlessly as another unskilled production employee.
So, I had a seizure. It was on a Friday, and I spent a really ill weekend at the hospital. Went home on a Sunday, with a very chewed up tongue, migraines and dizziness issues... And when the HR Manager demanded I be at work on Monday -- but couldnt do so, for obvious reasons -- he fired me. The company NEVER contested my claims for unemployment insurance; they never even showed up for the hearing.
I cant tell you... HOW MUCH I have blamed myself over the years. How much I have felt like a worthless person who just couldnt keep running as hard as she could, who couldnt just grin, and bear it. Still, to this day, I sometimes have many nightmares... sometimes reoccurring dreams where someone calls me, forgives me, and just gives me back my job. I loved my job. I loved making a difference. I loved making people smile with my organizational skills, and my programming skills, and my language interpreting skills. I loved interviewing new hires, and giving new employee orientations, and speaking to big audiences... I loved educating, and writing, and speaking, and everything I did. I had been promoted to a better position within 4 months of hire, and given hefty salary raises for my skills. I had dreams of further certifications, promotions, and continuous education degrees. I LOVED MY JOB. I loved my life.
For many years I felt like I lost my soul on that day. I lost my soul, and I let myself go. I let myself go, and felt like I died. Long, lost, and forgotten... someone who forever had ruined her life. I felt great shame, and hurt. Great anger.
Diabetes came into my life with a BIG bang, and like a tsunami... washed up many parts of my life with it. Great post traumatic stress took over, and made me shy away from new jobs, job situations, and new friendships. Finding a job, a permanent one, and keeping it... for the last 5 years has been HARD. I wanted to cry and wallow in self pity.
Diabetes is HARD. And its often embarrassing. And people JUDGE you. They do. People DONT understand. People think their lives are textbook examples for how other peoples lives need to be. They judge you, and they often try to bring you down.
But you get up. You get up, and pick up the pieces of you... as many times as you need to... and you keep going.
I now work minimum wage. I dont do anything near as glamorous as I once did. I have two jobs. I work unloading trucks, and at a fast food place. I dont even have a car. I walk long and far... just to make minimum wage. But I am... OKAY. Im OKAY, and I am even happy, sometimes. Heck, Id say most of the time.
My bosses dont really get diabetes... but they LISTEN, and they try to understand, and try to help me be safe at work, and make concessions. My coworkers LISTEN, and they care... My bosses let me be ME, with diabetes. They let me be ME, in spite of diabetes. Sharing with coworkers the other day, and even opening up about my traumatic past, really made realize... that its OKAY. That I can move on. THAT I AM SAFE.
Sometimes, some of those people I used to work with at the Human Resource job, show up for lunch at the fast food place. They seem to look down upon me with a certain pity in their eyes, or with embarrassment that I am doing a fast food job, and I just smile kindly back to them. I smile because Im happy, and they dont understand my journey... and I hope they NEVER have to.
I smile... because though I loved, and miss my job... happiness and freedom are not found in jobs, nor what people think of us. They are found in those 5 year detours in the desert... when all you have is YOURSELF.
(... And, ironically, the original founder and owner of the company passed away, not long ago, of type 2 diabetes complications. I may have lost my job, money, insurance, etc... but I guess at least I still have my life... and boy am I LIVING it.)
I am Not a Water Lily!
I think that sometimes we think of “losing weight” as “changing me.” I don’t know how those who lose weight easily, accomplish it. I have lost weight in the past but just kept putting it back on -- plus some. We, as a culture, have somehow tied our self image to the bathroom scale and there is no way we can be happy with that. The best place I have found for self image repair is the Bible and the love of Jesus Christ who did the work for me to be able to be re-united with God the Father!!
I noticed that when I finally gave up on trying to lose weight, I stopped gaining weight and stayed the same weight for quite a few years — but I forgot to turn it over to the Lord and picked it up again about a year ago with not much weight loss success, again — so I got depressed about that. Feeling inadequate and like a failure, once again.
God is so good. He recently gave me the experience of walking into a new space (see previous post) — one where I no longer had to work hard to try to make me into something other than what I am. That was a real weight lifted off of me. In the end it does not matter whether I am one of the thin people or one of the heavy people. What matters is knowing the Lord and growing in His grace and in knowledge of Him.
I’ve also begun to realize that the only people who are bothered by my weight are those who are bothered by their own — or think that heavy people are somehow “not right” -- like it is a character flaw. The poor things are always comparing to see who is on top. Because they are unsure of who they are, they look down on fat people which gives them the momentary pleasure of feeling superior but they lose out on the friendship, which they avoid because they do not want to be associated with a fat person. They are so shallow, that is all they see. And sometimes we are the one doing the looking at ourselves and we come to the same erroneous conclusions!! Truth is: a fat man or a thin man can have a godly character. Character is not based on physical size, but on spiritual faith.
A pastor once said something to me during a conversation we had. I had told him that at that time there was a young girl in the church who just really reminded me of me when I was her age. She was always taller than the others and always weighed enough to make her a little puffy. I shared a little, then he said this: God wanted a big girl so He made _________ (inserting her name.) That was a revelation to me.
God made us the way we are. We are not all going to fit the current “pictures” of beauty that the world paints — that is not even possible. Once we get that, and move on to the important stuff, we live a more productive and satisfying life — simply by walking with Him every single day. It is a gentle and quiet spirit that God loves. Are there not some heavy people that you treasure because of their loving character? There is the proof.
We do need to eat healthy food, but there are many definitions of healthy food. After much reading, searching, testing, and paying attention… my definition of healthy food is boiled down to its simplest terms in this combination: meat and raw vegetables. The Lord told me this a hundred times, and now, finally, I am ready to do that without worrying about changing who I am!
A caterpillar cannot make herself into a water lily, she can only become a butterfly, and not by working hard towards the goal. God makes the butterfly out of the caterpillar — all the caterpillar does is obey the Lord’s directions by cocooning itself with Him. Thank God!
If the caterpillar were to focus hard on working towards becoming a water lily she has set herself up for a lifetime of struggle and no results. In her own eyes she would be a failure — even though everyone else sees the butterfly she has become, she will be unhappy because she is not a water lily. If we look to Christ he makes us a new creation:
Ga 6:15-16 For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision availeth any thing, nor uncircumcision, but a new creature. And as many as walk according to this rule, peace be on them, and mercy, and upon the Israel of God.
Love you,
--Marcia
I noticed that when I finally gave up on trying to lose weight, I stopped gaining weight and stayed the same weight for quite a few years — but I forgot to turn it over to the Lord and picked it up again about a year ago with not much weight loss success, again — so I got depressed about that. Feeling inadequate and like a failure, once again.
God is so good. He recently gave me the experience of walking into a new space (see previous post) — one where I no longer had to work hard to try to make me into something other than what I am. That was a real weight lifted off of me. In the end it does not matter whether I am one of the thin people or one of the heavy people. What matters is knowing the Lord and growing in His grace and in knowledge of Him.
I’ve also begun to realize that the only people who are bothered by my weight are those who are bothered by their own — or think that heavy people are somehow “not right” -- like it is a character flaw. The poor things are always comparing to see who is on top. Because they are unsure of who they are, they look down on fat people which gives them the momentary pleasure of feeling superior but they lose out on the friendship, which they avoid because they do not want to be associated with a fat person. They are so shallow, that is all they see. And sometimes we are the one doing the looking at ourselves and we come to the same erroneous conclusions!! Truth is: a fat man or a thin man can have a godly character. Character is not based on physical size, but on spiritual faith.
A pastor once said something to me during a conversation we had. I had told him that at that time there was a young girl in the church who just really reminded me of me when I was her age. She was always taller than the others and always weighed enough to make her a little puffy. I shared a little, then he said this: God wanted a big girl so He made _________ (inserting her name.) That was a revelation to me.
God made us the way we are. We are not all going to fit the current “pictures” of beauty that the world paints — that is not even possible. Once we get that, and move on to the important stuff, we live a more productive and satisfying life — simply by walking with Him every single day. It is a gentle and quiet spirit that God loves. Are there not some heavy people that you treasure because of their loving character? There is the proof.
We do need to eat healthy food, but there are many definitions of healthy food. After much reading, searching, testing, and paying attention… my definition of healthy food is boiled down to its simplest terms in this combination: meat and raw vegetables. The Lord told me this a hundred times, and now, finally, I am ready to do that without worrying about changing who I am!
A caterpillar cannot make herself into a water lily, she can only become a butterfly, and not by working hard towards the goal. God makes the butterfly out of the caterpillar — all the caterpillar does is obey the Lord’s directions by cocooning itself with Him. Thank God!
If the caterpillar were to focus hard on working towards becoming a water lily she has set herself up for a lifetime of struggle and no results. In her own eyes she would be a failure — even though everyone else sees the butterfly she has become, she will be unhappy because she is not a water lily. If we look to Christ he makes us a new creation:
2Co 5:17 Theore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.
Ga 6:15-16 For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision availeth any thing, nor uncircumcision, but a new creature. And as many as walk according to this rule, peace be on them, and mercy, and upon the Israel of God.
Love you,
--Marcia
Life is Not About How Beautiful I Am
Monday, March 24, 2014
I am old and learning a lot of things now that would have been nice to have known, before, but Im glad they are happening at all!! LOL
There is nothing wrong with being beautiful, unless it is the only pair of glasses you use to see yourself or others. If your self worth is based on your degree of beauty, or lack of it, dont look now, but you are missing the boat. Degrees are comparisons. One is more, the other is less. You are always going to be more beautiful than some, and less beautiful, than others. So what? This narrow and distorted focus is not what life is about.
There have been times when I felt beautiful, and times when I was convinced that I was absolutely unattractive, for this, or that, reason -- one of them being "fat." Cultural beauty is based on swim suit models, magazines, fashion, and makeup. Advertising. Someone elses manufactured opinion, used to get you to feel an emotion that results in their selling you a product. Flimsy, but extremely effective manipulation based on both "envy" and "belief."
"Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly is to the bone."
So why am I thinking about this? A friend shared a blog post about a young mother who wants to set a good example for her little daughters so she has started saying, "Im beautiful" in front of them in the hopes that they will say the same things about themselves. She does not believe what she is saying inside herself, but is grabbing at this straw in hopes that she can help her daughters to not go through what she went through.
She believes she is modeling the appropriate thing to them and is to be commended because she really wants to be a good Mom to her girls. I hope this works for her and her girls. I have a feeling it may backfire, though, because she is not telling them the truth about how she feels about herself. There was a clue in her writing that her little girls recognized her out-of-character behavior and falsehood. So rather than learning to say, "Im beautiful", they are learning that "making stuff up" is appropriate behavior.
Children often see some things more clearly than adults think they do. They reacted by looking at her strangely... and that was the clue that something went through their heads. They had a thought or made a decision about what they saw in their mother. I remember doing the same thing when I was very very young.
I can only speak from my own experience of having the view of myself that I was ugly, having often been told so by my older brothers -- and others. I believed them. Believing them means that I took their words about me and internalized them as if they were the truth. They became my own words about me. Their, "Yourre so ugly..." statements got transformed into very painful "Im so ugly...." statements inside myself. Im not blaming them. I truly believe that if they had really known how that affected me, they would not have done it. But children, and adults, can sometimes be very cruel. Those feelings still creep up from time to time, but, Im no longer concerned about them, because I have learned something better. I have learned the truth.
When I look at young women, young mothers, and see that they are entangled in a negative self image and worried that they might pass that on to their daughters, I want to reach out and say, "Dont do that," as if I could stop their worrying, somehow, and also help them and their little girls.
Heres an idea that I think might work better and I noticed it in the movie called "The Help": "You is kind, you is smart, you is important" -- and the little girl repeated back, "You is kind, you is smart, you is important."
I loved it because I had had something similar taught to me, only, much later in life, by God, who said to me, "You are loved, and you are worthwhile." I repeated the words back in personal form, "I am loved, and I am worthwhile" and my life changed.
We cannot make up a self image. We already have one. We also dont know who we are - until - we know who God is, and I very firmly believe that. Once I began to understand who God is, I began to have a more accurate understanding of who of I am. He changes me. We also cannot make up a self image for someone else, but we can certainly begin planting good things in the soil -- theirs and ours.
Even now, there is a man at church, who will sometimes shake my hand and say to me, "Youre a blessing" -- and guess what? For a while, I feel like a blessing!! For a moment, I am a blessing. We are all like that. We women seem to unconsciously think about ourselves, the way that others speak to us, about us. That is also why emotional abuse is so effective. If we listen to repeated positive, or negative, statements about us, we begin to believe there must be some truth in them whether there really is or not. So we need to be sure we are getting and believing accurate information about us and giving the same to our girls. And who better to get accurate information about us, than from God, our Creator? The God who knows us better than we do ourselves, and loves us, anyway.
That may be why there is so much relationship teaching in the church that "Women need love," and "Men need respect." Actually we all need both of these things, but a woman can go a long time on the knowledge that someone loves her. If I know that God loves me.... I dont actually crave to have someone else say that to me. I like it and enjoy it, but dont need it. I have Gods love and that is enough -- that is my self image: I am loved. The more I know God, the more I know myself. Dont get me wrong, I often forget and have to be reminded -- but that is the human condition. We are forgetful and need to be reminded. So, I remind myself as often as I realize I need it.
But, for this young mother to simply and suddenly start staying out loud, "Im beautiful," when she does not really believe it is true, will ring false inside herself, and also inside her children. If that young mother began to know, understand, and accept Gods love for her, her own self image would truly begin to change. Then she would no longer have to worry that she is passing on something bad to her daughters. Then, if she felt the need to say, "I am beautiful," because God loves her, which makes her beautiful, her words would ring true inside herself, and her children. I doubt she would need to say that, though, because the words, "I am loved" said inside herself, are so much more powerful -- because they are the truth.
I suggest that she needs to start planting the seeds of Gods love in her girls. I think she should be saying things like, "Jesus loves you, and you are beautiful, and intelligent," to her daughters at the appropriate times. (Not as a sort of mindless "mantra" but when the situation calls for it.) She should be saying, "You are loved, and you are worthwhile" to her girls when they need encouragement. I saw the young author say things about her daughters in her post that she needs to be telling them out loud.
If she models sincere honesty and kindness to them, and teaches them what God is like, they will admire her and want to copy her. If she tells them that they are beautiful and responsible, they will believe her and say they are beautiful and responsible to themselves. The best window of time for this is when they are very young -- but it will work at any age, really. If done when young, they wont have to grow through so much pain. They will have other pains, but not that one, which can be so debilitating.
Help them to be strong in Christ. Tell them, "Jesus loves you." Tell them, "I love you." Tell them "You are loved" and they will know they are beautiful, just as they are -- to the bone. Being beautiful means being loved by God. Nothing can replace that particular glow!!
Jesus loves you.
You are loved.
You are worthwhile.
You are beautiful and responsible.
You are kind.
You are smart.
You are important.
You are a good girl (or boy.)
You are a blessing!!
Praise the Lord!! God is good! God is holy! God is love! God is infinite!
If you really want to begin to know God better, ask Him to show you what you need to know about Him. He knows what you need and will show you.
For those who need some intellectual type spiritual inspiration I also recommend studying Volumes one and two of A.W. Tozers books: "The Attributes of God." You can find both of these titles at Amazon.com, and other places where Christian literature is sold.
Be back soon,
Marcia
Here is the blog post, in case you would like to read it for yourself, http://offbeatfamilies.com/2012/11/telling-daughters-im-beautiful
There is nothing wrong with being beautiful, unless it is the only pair of glasses you use to see yourself or others. If your self worth is based on your degree of beauty, or lack of it, dont look now, but you are missing the boat. Degrees are comparisons. One is more, the other is less. You are always going to be more beautiful than some, and less beautiful, than others. So what? This narrow and distorted focus is not what life is about.
There have been times when I felt beautiful, and times when I was convinced that I was absolutely unattractive, for this, or that, reason -- one of them being "fat." Cultural beauty is based on swim suit models, magazines, fashion, and makeup. Advertising. Someone elses manufactured opinion, used to get you to feel an emotion that results in their selling you a product. Flimsy, but extremely effective manipulation based on both "envy" and "belief."
"Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly is to the bone."
So why am I thinking about this? A friend shared a blog post about a young mother who wants to set a good example for her little daughters so she has started saying, "Im beautiful" in front of them in the hopes that they will say the same things about themselves. She does not believe what she is saying inside herself, but is grabbing at this straw in hopes that she can help her daughters to not go through what she went through.
She believes she is modeling the appropriate thing to them and is to be commended because she really wants to be a good Mom to her girls. I hope this works for her and her girls. I have a feeling it may backfire, though, because she is not telling them the truth about how she feels about herself. There was a clue in her writing that her little girls recognized her out-of-character behavior and falsehood. So rather than learning to say, "Im beautiful", they are learning that "making stuff up" is appropriate behavior.
Children often see some things more clearly than adults think they do. They reacted by looking at her strangely... and that was the clue that something went through their heads. They had a thought or made a decision about what they saw in their mother. I remember doing the same thing when I was very very young.
I can only speak from my own experience of having the view of myself that I was ugly, having often been told so by my older brothers -- and others. I believed them. Believing them means that I took their words about me and internalized them as if they were the truth. They became my own words about me. Their, "Yourre so ugly..." statements got transformed into very painful "Im so ugly...." statements inside myself. Im not blaming them. I truly believe that if they had really known how that affected me, they would not have done it. But children, and adults, can sometimes be very cruel. Those feelings still creep up from time to time, but, Im no longer concerned about them, because I have learned something better. I have learned the truth.
When I look at young women, young mothers, and see that they are entangled in a negative self image and worried that they might pass that on to their daughters, I want to reach out and say, "Dont do that," as if I could stop their worrying, somehow, and also help them and their little girls.
Heres an idea that I think might work better and I noticed it in the movie called "The Help": "You is kind, you is smart, you is important" -- and the little girl repeated back, "You is kind, you is smart, you is important."
I loved it because I had had something similar taught to me, only, much later in life, by God, who said to me, "You are loved, and you are worthwhile." I repeated the words back in personal form, "I am loved, and I am worthwhile" and my life changed.
We cannot make up a self image. We already have one. We also dont know who we are - until - we know who God is, and I very firmly believe that. Once I began to understand who God is, I began to have a more accurate understanding of who of I am. He changes me. We also cannot make up a self image for someone else, but we can certainly begin planting good things in the soil -- theirs and ours.
Even now, there is a man at church, who will sometimes shake my hand and say to me, "Youre a blessing" -- and guess what? For a while, I feel like a blessing!! For a moment, I am a blessing. We are all like that. We women seem to unconsciously think about ourselves, the way that others speak to us, about us. That is also why emotional abuse is so effective. If we listen to repeated positive, or negative, statements about us, we begin to believe there must be some truth in them whether there really is or not. So we need to be sure we are getting and believing accurate information about us and giving the same to our girls. And who better to get accurate information about us, than from God, our Creator? The God who knows us better than we do ourselves, and loves us, anyway.
That may be why there is so much relationship teaching in the church that "Women need love," and "Men need respect." Actually we all need both of these things, but a woman can go a long time on the knowledge that someone loves her. If I know that God loves me.... I dont actually crave to have someone else say that to me. I like it and enjoy it, but dont need it. I have Gods love and that is enough -- that is my self image: I am loved. The more I know God, the more I know myself. Dont get me wrong, I often forget and have to be reminded -- but that is the human condition. We are forgetful and need to be reminded. So, I remind myself as often as I realize I need it.
But, for this young mother to simply and suddenly start staying out loud, "Im beautiful," when she does not really believe it is true, will ring false inside herself, and also inside her children. If that young mother began to know, understand, and accept Gods love for her, her own self image would truly begin to change. Then she would no longer have to worry that she is passing on something bad to her daughters. Then, if she felt the need to say, "I am beautiful," because God loves her, which makes her beautiful, her words would ring true inside herself, and her children. I doubt she would need to say that, though, because the words, "I am loved" said inside herself, are so much more powerful -- because they are the truth.
I suggest that she needs to start planting the seeds of Gods love in her girls. I think she should be saying things like, "Jesus loves you, and you are beautiful, and intelligent," to her daughters at the appropriate times. (Not as a sort of mindless "mantra" but when the situation calls for it.) She should be saying, "You are loved, and you are worthwhile" to her girls when they need encouragement. I saw the young author say things about her daughters in her post that she needs to be telling them out loud.
If she models sincere honesty and kindness to them, and teaches them what God is like, they will admire her and want to copy her. If she tells them that they are beautiful and responsible, they will believe her and say they are beautiful and responsible to themselves. The best window of time for this is when they are very young -- but it will work at any age, really. If done when young, they wont have to grow through so much pain. They will have other pains, but not that one, which can be so debilitating.
Help them to be strong in Christ. Tell them, "Jesus loves you." Tell them, "I love you." Tell them "You are loved" and they will know they are beautiful, just as they are -- to the bone. Being beautiful means being loved by God. Nothing can replace that particular glow!!
Jesus loves you.
You are loved.
You are worthwhile.
You are beautiful and responsible.
You are kind.
You are smart.
You are important.
You are a good girl (or boy.)
You are a blessing!!
Praise the Lord!! God is good! God is holy! God is love! God is infinite!
If you really want to begin to know God better, ask Him to show you what you need to know about Him. He knows what you need and will show you.
For those who need some intellectual type spiritual inspiration I also recommend studying Volumes one and two of A.W. Tozers books: "The Attributes of God." You can find both of these titles at Amazon.com, and other places where Christian literature is sold.
Be back soon,
Marcia
Here is the blog post, in case you would like to read it for yourself, http://offbeatfamilies.com/2012/11/telling-daughters-im-beautiful
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