Health for life

This piece first appeared in 2009. Happy New Year!

This past Wednesday, I watched an entire broadcast day of the Food Network and blogged about it. Then I slept for 67 straight hours.

The experience changed some ways I felt about FN, and reinforced others. For one thing, I always assumed The Powers That Be didn’t pay attention to financial matters, which they clearly do. There weren’t any outrageously expensive dishes all day, and some shows (Throwdown, 30-Minute Meals) made a point of frugality.

On the other hand, I thought FN would give a modicum of time to healthy cooking, and it just wasn’t there. Bobby Flay’s fruit marinades were the closest anyone came to nutritionally-minded meals. Granted, it’s Christmas, which tends to highlight baking and various indulgences, but when Paula Deen chops the only pepper of the day, you know we’re in trouble.

Finally, I thought there would be more 3/4-sleeve sweaters. Turns out, the chefs per long sleeves rolled up. (Except Giada. You can always count on Giada.)

The whole thing is attached below, in chronological order from 9:30am to 5am the next morning. You can see I fell into a coma during Food Network Challenge, but revived just in time for Paula’s Cookie Swap. It’s the important things, you know?

Anyway, here goes. Merry Christmas.

9:30am
THE SHOW: Nigellas Christmas Kitchen
THE HOST: British cook/woman Id date if I went that way, Nigella Lawson
THE CONCEPT: homemade Christmas gifts

9:32am
Nigella is sploshing cider vinegar into sugar. I enjoy sploshing. Someday, I hope to splosh my way into college.

9:35am
Nigellas casual vocabulary is my favorite. Shes making jam, and has described it as "fiery crimson" and "volcanically boiling." This is the stuff that goes with peanut butter, right?

9:37am
This entire show is candlelit and set to saxophone jazz. I think Food Network is trying to seduce me.

9:40am
"Let Dad school you with a vertical rotisserie." is a sentence I never hoped to hear, in a commercial or otherwise.

9:43am
A Nigella haiku:
Oh, metric system
You make baking funny with
your grams and liters

9:45am
Nigellas cake batter is "perfectly plain, but anything but austere." Husband-Elect just kissed me goodbye and went to work. Are these related somehow?

9:47am
Unconsidered when planning 19-hour blogging marathon: when do I go to the bathroom?

9:50am
Her strata is (direct quote): "Like a toasted cheese sandwich, but a celestial one, as if eaten by angels." If heaven is filled with grilled cheese sandwiches, I will feel a lot better about death.

9:52am
Its not even time for Price is Right, and Nigellas guests are eating Christmas tree cakes and getting sploshed on espresso martinis. I want to go to there.

9:54am
Were up to fully loaded baked potatoes. Cooked by candlelight, naturally. Ive never been attracted to a potato before today, but somehow, Nigella is making them look sexy. Maybe because she just "splodged" them with sour cream, and now - I swear to god - is "forking them together."

9:58am
Nigella ends the show scarfing potatoes on a crimson couch by a roaring fire, while angels play smooth jazz in the background. This is a Luther Vandross video.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 1
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: nothing too expensive here
HEALTH QUOTIENT: Well let it slide. Its a Christmas show.
VERDICT: 10/10, for sexiness

10:00am
THE SHOW: Emeril Live!
THE HOST: Emeril Lagasse
THE CONCEPT: The godfather of TV cheffery hosts a cooking show in front of a live audience, says "BAM" a lot. Theres a band, too.

10:05am
The theme of the show is cheese. I can get behind this.

10:06am
First tip, from an at-home video segment with a blonde mom: "Never walk away from your pine nuts." Truer words, never spoken. How many times have I set them to toast and sniffed the air three minutes later all like, "Whats burning?"

10:08am
Were watching a split screen of the blonde mom and Emeril blending a dressing. Its still more interesting than golf.

10:11am
Speaking of golf, what happens now that Tiger is in the permanent doghouse? I imagine curling will finally have its day as THE sport for people who dont like sudden movements.

10:16am
Emeril is running a "Say Cheese" recipe contest. Pam from Maryland is a winner, and she reminds me of every nurse or teachers assistant Ive ever met. Pam is using crab in her macaroni and cheese, which "kicks [it] up to notches unknown." NOTCHES UNKNOWN.

10:18am
Emeril is both a "spoon guy" and a "whisk fan." Can you be both? Is that like rooting for the Yankees and the Mets?

10:20am
Augh! The vertical rotisserie ad is back so "Dad" can school us some more. I think Ive found my nemesis for the day.

10:23am
Bathroom dilemma, solved. Thank god for commercials. Did you guys need to know that? Also of note: my computer is resting on a hummus tub so the bottom wont overheat. In Brooklyn, we work with what we have, folks.

10:27am
Emeril is stirring white-gray crabmeat into a yellow-gray macaroni and cheese mixture. You know that scene in Empire Strikes Back, when Han makes Luke a bed out of TonTon intestines? It looks like that. Which is okay, because sometimes ugly food is the best food. (See: eggplant.)

10:30am
Re: Emerils accent. Hes from Boston, right? Because it sounds so Brooklyn sometimes, I imagine him selling me knockoff sunglasses on the corner by the Halal Chinese Food place.

10:32am
Food Network Drinking Game, Rule #437: take a shot every time you wonder how a food show can pay for a full band. Youll be sploshed inside an hour.

10:33am
Emeril is making tamales con queso, and keeps asking for "lahwd." I wondered why he would be using the lord in his cooking, until it occurred to me that hes saying "lard."

10:37am
Another ugly-but-delicious food: ried beans. We can all agree it looks like baby puke, right?

10:40am
As Emeril rolls his second tamale, I find my mind wandering to faraway places. Like Morocco. Were fez hats just decorative, or did they have a purpose? They dont shade the eyes or protect the head very well, so Im figuring they were invented for aesthetic purposes. In a related story, I think its time for some coffee.

10:43am
Time for a multiple choice question! What kind of degree does Doc Gibbs have?
A) Funkiness MD
B) A PhD in smoothosity
C) A doctorate in jazz hands
D) Gastroenterology

10:46am
Holly from Ohio is the next winner of Emerils Say Cheese contest, and she has a very, very red kitchen. Like, all her appliances and countertops are a fiery crimson. Wouldnt that make you angry when youre cooking? Like youre in Hells Kitchen? "Dont TALK TO ME when Im making CHEESECAKE, DAMMIT!"

10:49am
Can I tell you how much I love it when Emeril adds alcohol to recipes? Everyone in the audience cheers like crazy, as if to say, "WOO! This flan is gonna get us totally sploshed!"

10:52am
Have you seen the ice cream sandwich bench? Its $950, though if Trading Spaces has taught me anything, you can make it at home with $15.62 and a bedsheet.

10:55am
Emerils jacket has remained perfectly clean through the entire show, despite making salad, mac and cheese, tamales con queso, and cheesecake. No mess at all. I would look like Pizza the Hut after a day like that.

10:59am
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: a shocking 0
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: good - salad and tamales are pretty cheap
HEALTH QUOTIENT: nada, though points for trying with the salad
VERDICT: 7/10, for gratuitous shots of blending.

11:01am
THE SHOW: Easy Entertaining
THE HOST: Michael Chiarello
THE CONCEPT: "Formal fare in your formalwear." Clever boy.

11:04am
So far, this is an onion- and beet-heavy show. Not kid food, apparently. In first grade, either of those words would have thrown me into total gag lex failure.

11:09am
Coffee procured! Urge to kill ... fading.

11:10am
Chiarello isnt wearing a 3/4-sleeve sweater, but his pullover sleeves are rolled up to just under the elbow. Does that count?

11:12am
Currently, hes adding a TON of ground fennel to already fennel-heavy roast. Moderate amounts of fennel are always appreciated, but this looks like its going to taste like a bag of black licorice exploded in your mouth.

11:13am
Up next: a Peppermint Chocolate Tiramisu. I have never heard a finer collection of words. (P.S. Did you know "tiramisu" means "pick me up"? Me neither. Thanks, Mike!)

11:15am
Food Network Drinking Game, Rule #5739: Drink whenever a host claims he/she is "going somewhere," "checking the market out," or "has some errands to run" during the commercial break. We know you need more than four minutes to hit up the orchard, Chiarello.

11:19am
While I like Michael Chiarello, he suffers a bit from John Kerry Syndrome: you know hes totally great at what he does, but you dont necessarily want to have a beer with him.

11:23am
He just poured about a cup of red wine into risotto, making it look like brains. Delicious, delicious brains. Again, the ugly/tasty paradox has been proven.

11:27am
Why dont the Food Network hosts ever wash their own pots and pans? They should have a show made up entirely of Ina Garten and Bobby Flay doing dishes. I guarantee it would be a ratings winner.

11:30am
End of show. How you know: the wine comes out, and Mike changes into a red t-shirt under a charcoal grey blazer. Very Napa.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 1/2
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: low
HEALTH QUOTIENT: low
VERDICT: 8/10, for Peppermint Chocolate Tiramisu and general attractiveness

11:31am
THE SHOW: Quick Fix Meals
THE HOST: Robin Miller
THE CONCEPT: Week-long dinners for busy families, with Oprah-esque theme song.

11:32am
Robin is searing some scallops, and she just poured a dang gallon of olive oil into a large skillet. Look, I know olive oil is one of the healthier cooking fats, but 1/4 cup per serving doesnt do anyone any good. (Now getting off my high horse before I hurt myself.)

11:36am
Robin is having a tough time lifting her skillet. I can relate, having the upper body strength of a fetal chihuahua.

11:43am
Weve moved on to Mexican fondue, meaning cheese, spinach, artichokes, and salsa melted together. Im still deciding how I feel about this. Also: "take it to a whole new level" should be retired permanently, as should "outside the box."

11:45am
Once and for all: is cumin pronounced "keeyou-min" or "coo-min"?

11:50am
Good tip from Robin: make vinaigrettes and dressings in the bottom of the salad bowl, then toss everything afterward.

11:52am
Chopping montage! In general, wouldnt cooking would be much more awesome if all our chopping was set to Michael Jackson? Here, try it.

11:58am
Robin blended strawberries and yogurt, and I thought for sure it was going to be a smoothie. But she poured it in a bowl, so now its a soup. If she poured it in a votive glass, would it be a candle?

11:59am
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0 (it was full-length)
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: high - nothing was outrageous
HEALTH QUOTIENT: very low - I question serving some of these to kids as dinner
VERDICT: 6/10, for questionable usage of vessels

12:00pm
THE SHOW: Paulas Home Cooking
THE HOST: Paula Deen, yall!
THE CONCEPT: Today, its cookies. But most days, its butter. Just butter.

12:04pm
How you can tell this is an early episode: wrinkles, natural lighting, no cackling, zero appearances by Bobby and Jamie. I miss the cackling, yall.

12:06pm
Analogy time!
Paula Deen is to Fantasy Grandma as George Clooney is to _______.
A) Fantasy Boyfriend
B) Fantasy Shortstop
C) Fantasy Island

12:12pm
Paulas making Gingerbread Men, and "when we come back, Im gonna show you how we bring these little [guys] to life." This is going to involve lightning and tiny brain transplants, isnt it?

12:19pm
Edit - Paula is making gingerbread men AND women. Later, they will create gingerbread babies together, unless they use gingerbread prophylactics.

12:23pm
Gingerbread Michael (Paulas husband) has white chest hair, a mohawk, and appears to be wearing a diaper. How does Real Michael feel about this?

12:29pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0, though her blouse has shorter sleeves, yall
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: high, yall
HEALTH QUOTIENT: super, super low, yall
VERDICT: 9/10, for gentility, yall

12:31pm
THE SHOW: Everyday Italian
THE HOST: Giada DeLaurentiis
THE CONCEPT: Hot, talented chef makes authentic Italian dishes and funny tasting faces.

12:32pm
Giada starts out with panna cotta, or translated, "theres a cot in my pan."

12:34pm
My Ma is as Irishiest of Irish ladies, but insists on pronouncing Latin and Italian foods as they would be in the native language. This means "mozzarella" is "mooz-a-dell" and "parmesan" is "parrrr-mi-jhan." Giada also does this. Giada is my Ma.

12:37pm
Giada is frying some oysters. When shes done, they will be "sweet and tender, which is how your date will act after he eats them." I assume this means my date will also be breaded and covered in marinara sauce.

12:42pm
Giadas "this is so good" claw: check.
Giadas tasting O-face: check.
Still waiting for first pronunciation of "pan-CHET-tha."

12:46pm
This is the 37 millionth time the Le Cordon Bleu commercial is airing, and its only 12:46. If I hear, "Get your career cooking ... LITERALLY!" one more time, I will literally jump through the TV and broil that guy.

12:48pm
Champagne Risotto with Asparagus is Gs next date night recipe. (P.S. The theme of this show is "Date Night." Now you know.) Served with Chiarellos Peppermint Chocolate Tiramisu and Nigellas Espresso Martini, there is a 100% chance you will be pregnant by the end of the night.

12:51pm
I love that PR folks think well enough of CHG to send us offers, but ... uh ... my name is Kristen. Not Christine. And I dont have kids. And I hate mayonnaise. Just sayin.

12:57pm
For dessert, its Raspberry Limoncello Champagne and an Espresso Panna Cotta. Forget plain ol pregnancy. These will get you a Duggar-style reality show on TLC.

12:59pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 1 (You can always count on Giada.)
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium; risotto is cheaper than you think
HEALTH QUOTIENT: pretty low
VERDICT: 10/10, for much-appreciated gratuitous use of champagne

1:00pm
THE SHOW: 30-Minute Meals
THE HOST: Rachael Ray
THE CONCEPT: A nice woman from Western New York makes a meal in an unmentioned allotment of time.

1:03pm
Rachael is making sausage, and her accent ("sah-sidge") is making me miss my friends in Rochester and Buffalo. (*sniff*) You guys, lean ground chicken breast reminds me of you.

1:06pm
Whenever RR asks us to "eyeball" something, I picture pouring the item (fennel, cloves, oil, etc.) on our actual eyeballs. This is not the intended meaning, I understand, but ... need more coffee.

1:11pm
Were having "ahh-some wanh-ffles" here everybody, but not before we eyeball the molasses.

1:14pm
A haiku for Rachael:
You carry so much
but is that nutmeg ever
a burden too heavy?

1:19pm
Rachael is excellent at remaining upbeat. When youre makin TV, its really, really tough to turn on the cheer when youre not feeling it. But she manages. I dig that.

1:21pm
Toffee Hot Cocoa was just described as "SUPER delicious." Just once, I want a TV chef to say, "You know what? Its a broccoli recipe. It tastes slightly better than burlap, but if we dont get some veggies in our diets, well die."

1:26pm
On a related note, do you ever wonder if RR narrates her everyday movements when shes at home? "Well, Im goin to pick up my toothpaste like this. Awesome! Then Im going to grab my toothbrush like this. Yummo! Now Im gonna bring it up to my mouth, and run it back and forth across my teeth. All right! And we end by spitting the froth into the sink. Big finish!"

1:28pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0, though the sleeves of her regular sweater were rolled up
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: high
HEALTH QUOTIENT: negative numbers
VERDICT: 7/10, for too many "yummos

1:31pm
THE SHOW: Baoot Contessa! WOOOO!
THE HOST: the lovely Ina Garten
THE CONCEPT: incredible food served by a woman you want to hang out with ALL THE TIME

1:32pm
Shes making chocolate gelato. For Jeffrey, of course. CURSE YOU, JEFFREY!

1:34pm
Husband-Elect, are you reading this? If so, can we go to Inas kitchen for our honeymoon? I will let you have the Gandalf ice carving if you say yes.

1:36pm
Ina is wearing a black button-down instead of her usual denim one. If youre not a regular viewer, this means nothing to you, but if you are, its a plot twist on par with The Sixth Sense.

1:40pm
Ina is visiting her fishmonger. I like to picture her being personal friends with her various mongers, and at the end of every year, they all have a giant monger party. Where they mong, presumably.

1:42pm
She is now making lobster pot pies. I was taught to appreciate fresh-from-the-animal lobster meat from a very young age, and always hesitate to use it in any recipe. I mean, what if I mess it up? And why would I want to dilute lobster flavor? But Im going with this, Ina. I trust you. Be caul with my heart.

1:49pm
Ina wants us to place pastry dough in the fridge for 30 minutes "to chill and relax." Unmentioned: "to light up some doobage and listen to Steve Miller albums on shuffle."

1:51pm
The lobster pies were just dubbed "rustic." In cooking, is "rustic" a synonym for "messy"? If so, my apartment is very rustic.

1:57pm
Jeffrey is playing a trick on Ina, to make her think he ate all the food. This is cruel and unnecessary. Also, I dont know how to spell "unnecessary."

1:58pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: zero
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: er ... pretty low
HEALTH QUOTIENT: um ... also low
VERDICT: 10/10. Its Ina, and dissent will not be tolerated.

2:01pm
THE SHOW: Semi-Homemade ... you knew it was coming.
THE HOST: Sandra Lee
THE CONCEPT: 70% store-bought ingredients, 30% fresh ingredients, 100% yarg.

2:02pm
The theme is wisteria. So naturally, the first dish is a Fig and Goat Cheese Quesadilla. Leave your logic at the door, ladies and germs.

2:05pm
Aunt Sandys hair is styled very Farrah Fawcettly. Which brings another question to mind: when I dont wear my hair back when I cook, it gets in the food. (Mmm ... hair chili.) Is this a concern of TV chefs?

2:10pm
"I want to talk to you about making great potato salad without all the work." She is starting with pre-cooked potatoes already seasoned with rosemary and garlic. This is like saying, "The first step is making an awesome cake is to buy an awesome cake."

2:12pm
On microwaving the potatoes: "You didnt have to do any of that peeling, any of that monkey business." I think she just compared potato peeling to sex. I guess both are dirty? And can take a few minutes? And at the end, you get delicious fries?

2:21pm
Sandra is spooning hot apricots on to a delicate cream. You can see the cream itself dissolving as this happens. It looks like, in the following shot, the desserts have been replaced with new ones. I cant say for sure this happened, but I think it happened.

2:26pm
Multiple choice question time! Sandra is currently:
A) Showing us a tablescape with a three-foot, 30+ pound vase of flowers at the center.
B) Showing us ANOTHER new plate of those apricot cream desserts.
C) Showing us the molecular representation of sodium chloride.

2:29pm
End of show
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0. It was a lavender blouse.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium
HEALTH QUOTIENT: medium
VERDICT: 5/10, for unexpected attention paid to health and frugality, but also making a potato salad out of a potato salad.

2:31pm
THE SHOW: Boy Meets Grill
THE HOST: Bobby Flay
THE CONCEPT: Bobby Flay and a grill in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

2:33pm
Bobbys background music sounds like the chillout room at a 90s rave. We have fallen into a K-hole of flavor, everyone.

2:35pm
Unexpected, terrifying glitch with Blogger, seemingly overcome for now. If it craps out 10 hours into the marathon, I will go on a killing spree.

2:40pm
If Bobby wasnt a cook, hed be a ballplayer - probably a journeyman outfielder with a .270 average and 15 or 20 home runs a year. Fans would like him because he shows up early to practice, and managers respect him for his knowledge of the game. Three years after retiring, hed take a job managing Double A, where hed stay until the majors call him up in his mid-50s. After a few years as a hitting coach, hed get the full-time managers job and win the World Series within three years. Hed always have a secret love of mango salsa, but wouldt know why.

2:45pm
Chickpea Polenta, which Mr. Flay is making, is something I would like to eat right now. In my mouth. With my teeth and gums.

2:51pm
Bobby is now mixing figs and red peppers in a delectable-sounding marinade. However, it looks like Buffalo Bills bathtub in Silence of the Lambs. "It puts the marinade on the skin or it gets the hose again."

2:57pm
Random people show up on Bobbys rooftop to eat. If only such deliciousness was waiting at the top of every NYC fire escape, instead of the tar paper and Wire-style Mexican standoffs that are usually there.

2:59pm
End of show
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0, though Bobbys sleeves were rolled up.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium-low; steak is pricey, yo
HEALTH QUOTIENT: medium; points for lots of fresh produce
VERDICT: 8/10, for the creative use of fruit and being able to smell the grill smoke all the way in my apartment.

3:01pm
THE SHOW: Guys Big Bite
THE HOST: Guy Fieri (pronounced "Bob Jones-Smith")
THE CONCEPT: Huge freaking food for giant freaking guys.

3:02pm
The More You Know: Im wearing no makeup, ill-fitting jeans and my beloved hooded sweatshirt, Big Green. If anyone saw me right now, theyd immediately turn to stone.

3:03pm
Props to Guy: he doesnt settle for saying an ingredient "will make this taste great!" He explains why you add certain seasonings and why you cook food a specific way. And he uses way less "Dude! This onion is radical awesome gnarly, bro!" than I thought he would.

3:09pm
Hes explaining why he didnt salt Kalamata Couscous ahead of time: "because I wasnt sure what the olives would bring to it." This is the kind of information I want from a cooking show. From Guy Fieri. Who knew? (Also, it helps that hes making dolma [stuffed grape leaves], one of my all-time favorite foods.)

3:12pm
Im calling it: TV chefs calling pieces of food "bad boys" is officially over. Stuffed grape leaves are delicious, not delinquent.

3:14pm
Return of the rotisserie ad dad! He reminds me of Prince Humperdinck from Princess Bride. Somewhere (Gilder), a village is missing its cowardly noble.

3:20pm
Guys dolmas are "doing time" in the oven. 15 to 20 for assault and grand theft auto, to be specific. Maybe they ARE bad boys.

3:22pm
There is no elegant way to talk, whisk furiously, and sound composed at the same time. Everyones voice rattles like theyre riding a vacuum cleaner.

3:29pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0 - again, the rolled-up sleeve dominates
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium-high, dude
HEALTH QUOTIENT: medium, bro
VERDICT: 9/10, for being unexpectedly pretty great, dudebro

3:30pm
THE SHOW: Tylers Ultimate
THE HOST: Tyler Florence
THE CONCEPT: Tyler shows us how to make a classic dish in the best possible way.

3:31pm
Tyler is kicking the show off by berating a rubber chicken. This is gonna be good.

3:33pm
Ack. He just called all-purpose flour "A.P." (Or, "apey.") How you know when acronyms dont work: when they sound like another, more disgusting word.

3:36pm
"What would life be without bacon?" Tyler asks. A futile existence, my friend. A futile existence indeed.

3:42pm
Tyler is making Coq au Vin, and his lapel mic is picking up the sound of sizzling every time he gets near his Dutch oven. You can hardly hear him above the noise, and its kind of hilarious.

3:48pm
Also of note: Tyler hits food a lot, as in, "Were gonna hit this with Cognac." and "Im gonna hit this with Herbs de Provence." No lie, he just said it like, six times. Food abuse!

3:52pm
"Boom!" is another one hes uttered about 70 different times. Methinks Tyler Florence is actually Guy Fieri, and Guy Fieri was replaced with a lookalike English teacher. Up is down, left is right, people!

3:59pm
End of show
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0 - rolled up sleeves again.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium
HEALTH QUOTIENT: low
VERDICT: 7/10 - its been over for a minute, and I barely remember it. There was a rubber chicken, right? (Is that mean? I dont want to be mean. I actually like Tyler a lot.)

4:01pm
THE SHOW: Cooking for Real
THE HOST: Sunny Anderson
THE CONCEPT: Cooking, really. For real. With realness.

4:04pm
Sunnys telling us about her tattoo. True story: in college, I was out with a friend, and came fairly close to getting the Chinese symbol for moon tattooed on my lower back. I decided not to, went home and told my dad about it. His response: "So, let me get this straight. You were about to get a MOON tattoo two inches above your ass?" I have never been tempted by tattoos again.

4:09pm
Fill in the blank time!
"Flauta" is the Spanish word for ______:
A) flute
B) to flout or express disdain
C) flatulence
D) ex-Bills quarterback Doug Flutie

4:12pm
The last three - possibly four - shows have involved tempering/whisking eggs into a hot mixture. Is that intentional? Does Food Network pick really specific themes like that? Today, its tempering eggs. Tomorrow, its grinding coriander. The day after that, its sectioning a lemon on a snowy day if you live in a state ending with the letter "O."

4:20pm
Heh. Its 4:20.

4:24pm
19 hours of straight blogging, and there will be no Ace of Cakes. The lack of Duffness depresses and frightens me. So I will look at this dog making cookies to cheer me up.

4:25pm
Sunny is a very sunny person, yes? If she was named Frowny, this would be an entirely different show.

4:26pm
Shes making Mexican soda! The bodegas in my neighborhood have these, and the colors are insane. Theyre like drinking a B-52s album.

4:29pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: nada - cute short-sleeved pink top
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium-high
HEALTH QUOTIENT: very low - flautas were deep fried
VERDICT: 7.5/10, for the fact that I want Mexican food now

4:30pm
THE SHOW: Everyday Italian
THE HOST: Giada DeLaurentiis
THE CONCEPT: This episode, Giads makes easy Italian-style cookies.

4:31pm
Giada just described a "decadent and deliciously adult cookie," meaning the next half hour will see her either making Florentines or directing a porno.

4:34pm
Didnt this woman just have a baby? How does she still look like a tiny Italian hourglass? (*curses the heavens*)

4:37pm
A Giada haiku:
Little big head chef
makes cookie log so pretty
we forget claw hand

4:44pm
We live down the block from a pizza place that sells single slices in individual boxes. Our front stoop has become the garbage pail for the neighborhood kids, all of whom buy one on the way from school to the subway. Short of water guns, how do I solve this problem?

4:50pm
Giada is rolling out dough, and trying to fill the time with words. "Im rolling out the dough. Rolling. Rolling. Uh ... more rolling. Hm. Nice day today, right? How bout them Mets? More rolling."

4:57pm
Giada is hosting a cookie tasting party, and her friends and family are all abnormally hot. This is probably because they usually have asparagus tasting parties.

5:00pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 1! Finally! I thought I was taking crazy pills.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: high - baking is cheap
HEALTH QUOTIENT: low - its a cookie show, man
VERDICT: 8/10 - for having biscotti that looks like it might actually be very good

5:01pm
THE SHOW: Baoot Contessa
THE HOST: Ina Garten
THE CONCEPT: For this episode, its treats for people and their dogs.

5:02pm
Food Network Drinking Game, Rule #83892: chug every time a TV chef adds nebulous "flavor," without describing the qualities of said flavor. Ex: "This cupcake could use more flavor." "Potatoes are great when they have flavor." "My socks have a flavor."

5:04pm
Remember, like, four hours ago? When Sandra Lee made potato salad using potato salad? Ina dont play that way. Shes got her Adidas and Kangol on, she has her ghetto blaster turned to 11, and shes cooking those dope spuds from scratch. Word.

5:09pm
Ina has chopped at least three large onions, and is visibly tearing up. Thats no good. I will kill the onion that makes Ina cry. YOUVE BEEN WARNED, ONIONS.

5:11pm
A chocolate sheetcake is in the process of being baked. Normally, this would sound awesome. But I dont know if its good to combine dogs and chocolate in a party setting. Yknow? The pugs have one drink too many, then they start teasing the Boston terrier, and before you know it, all the shih-tzus have poisoned themselves. Party over.

5:19pm
The more I watch this show, the more I think Ina looks like my mom. Maybe this is why I like her so much, and why I keep asking her for money.

5:20pm
Did you know Ina used to work on U.S. nuclear policy in Washington? I think thats why her recipes dont bomb. (HAHAHAHAHA ... sorry.)

5:26pm
Joe Lieberman is a terrible, terrible person. Just sayin.

5:27pm
First the onions made Ina cry. Now shes grilling on the beach, where its clearly windy and freezing. If shes attacked by one of those labradoodles, Im boycotting the Earth.

5:29pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium
HEALTH QUOTIENT: umm ... look over there! A shiny thing!
VERDICT: 10/10, for the appearance of the StandMixer. If Baoot Contessa is Cheers, the StandMixer is Norm.

5:31pm
THE SHOW: Down Home with the Neelys
THE HOST: Gina and Pat Neely
THE CONCEPT: A couple you might otherwise like is forced to yell as loudly as possible while making soul food.

5:36pm
Theres a guest! A brother of Pats! And I like him! Hes speaking with his inside voice, is why.

5:37pm
Theyre smoking pork butts in the kitchen. We used to smoke butts in the kitchen in college. Then we smoked too many butts and had to quit. Smoking butts, I mean.

5:40pm
An analogy!
The Neelys are to total deafness as Kate Hudson romantic comedies are to _____.
A) brain damage
B) drooling
C) incontinence
D) all of the above

5:44pm
You know what? Maybe Im looking at Down Home the wrong way. When I cook, its usually alone, and its usually quiet and methodical and relaxing. Others are more gregarious and make it more of a group activity. If thats what the show is aiming for, its doing okay.

5:50pm
Brother Neely is making pulled pork, a secret diet food. By that, I mean: if youre on a diet and find yourself at a barbecue joint, go for the pulled pork. Its usually the lightest of all the meat choices, and you can customize the flavor with various sauces.

5:52pm
Liveblogging health update: nine hours in, my back is starting to get a little twingey. I call it Futon Spine.

5:56pm
Ginas making margaritas. Shes into the tequila. Were about to enter migraine territory.

5:59pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium
HEALTH QUOTIENT: barely visible from space
VERDICT: 4/10, for Pats brother and his ponytail.

6:01pm
THE SHOW: Paulas Home Cooking
THE HOST: Paula Deen, yall
THE CONCEPT: This episode, its slow cooking.

6:02pm
BEAR WITNESS! Paula is chopping a vegetable, yall! Im already in contact with Washington and lobbying for a national holiday.

6:04pm
As a New Yorker, I have never had chicken fried steak. But Ive also never had malaria. Is it worth it?

6:09pm
Paula melted half a stick of butter with several cups of grated cheddar cheese, dumped them into the crockpot, and spooned through it wearing an expression I can only describe as total human contentment. She is simultaneously delighting and scaring the crud out of me.

6:14pm
The show has stopped while Paula feeds the mac and cheese to the camera. I LOVE THIS WOMAN.

6:17pm
Limerick time!
There once was a lady named Paula,
"More buttah, yall!" she would holla,
Her restaurant took off-o
And her show was so boff-o
She earned a million and one dolla.

6:22pm
Blueberry Peach Cobbler is distinctly American in a great way. Eating it with Swiss steak and macaroni and cheese is distinctly American a not-so-great way.

6:25pm
Paula says the cobbler requires some "one on one personal time." Between her, Nigella, and Giada, this is the sexiest day of food programming in history.

6:29pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium
HEALTH QUOTIENT: infinitesimal
VERDICT: 8/10, for the face. I aspire to make that face someday.

6:30pm
THE SHOW: 30-Minute Meals
THE HOST: Rachael Ray
THE CONCEPT: Dunno. Never heard of it.

6:32pm
How you can tell this is late-period Rachael: much more eye makeup, shorter hair, increased fresh foods, better knife skills, a voice thats clinging to audibility, motions exaggerated to the Nth power.

6:37pm
Rachaels making gorgonzola-stuffed meatballs. If there were more recipes based on meat stuffed with cheese, wed have world peace, a public health option, and money leftover for universal foot massages.

6:41pm
Fun fact: food commercials use women in their 20s to play the mothers of tweens and teenagers. While this is totally possible, it makes it seem like real-life mothers should look much younger than they actually are. Which isnt cool.

6:49pm
Finally, something I can criticize without feeling terrible: Big Top Cupcake is the dumbest thing Ive ever seen. ITS A POINTY CAKE PAN, EVERYBODY.

6:52pm
I stand corrected. Micro Smores is the dumbest thing Ive ever seen.

6:57pm
Rachael makes a good point: always pull the bay leaves out of your food. Who among has not forgotten, and ended up with a mouthful of pointy leaf? (Uh ... anyone?)

6:59pm
End of show
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: nope
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium-low
HEALTH QUOTIENT: low
VERDICT: 7/10, for being easily distracted by BigTop Cupcake

7:00pm
Halfway done!

7:01pm
THE SHOW: Food Network Challenge - Edible Ornaments
THE HOST: The guy with the glasses and spiky hair who isnt Guy Fieri
THE CONCEPT: Cakemakers are taking real trees and covering them with edible ornaments

7:03pm
Todays competitors are three New Yorkers and a dude from L.A. whose "mother would cry if [the tree] wasnt pretty enough." Has mom trained him well enough? Will the New Yorkers bring their crowbars? Can everyone make nice flowers? FEEL THE EXCITEMENT.

7:06pm
There is a shocking lack of Carrie Whats-her-face, the terrifying British judge that usually reduces the contestants to weeping piles of mushy goo. Its going to be up to the guy with the glasses and spiky hair who isnt Guy Fieri (TGWTGASHWIGF), and I dont think he has the cojones.

7:10pm
Lisa Simpson is trying to find her way north, and Bart has a faucet stuck to his ... damn, this isnt the right channel.

7:11pm
Food Network brought in the contestants parents and siblings in as special assistants, and there is immediate friction between the Staten Island mother/daughter pair. I hope this doesnt devolve into Jersey Shore-style shenanigans. Theres not enough spray tan in the world.

7:16pm
In New York, theres a childrens behavioral adjustment program commercial that promises to fix your kids bad habits. One part claims it will even "turn your childs attitude around in one minute or less." Imagine the possibilities there. I imagine it will involve threats to send kids to China.

7:22pm
One baker is making garland out of metal tubing and cream puffs. Another is doing it with amber sugar-covered chestnuts. These may end up tasting like roofing material, but they sure look good.

7:30pm
Another baker basically took some lasagna ingredients, spray painted them, and threw them up wherever theyd fit. Im not sayin I could do that, but Im very good at sticking lasagna in trees.

7:32pm
Food Network Drinking Game, Rule #2893752: If something can go wrong with a Food Challenge ingredient, it will. And it wont be something youd ever expect. "Oh no, my tortilla is too flaky!" "Oh no, my edible silver beads are too roll-ey!" "Oh no, my cream puffs are becoming too moist, which will disconnect them from the adhesive chocolate!"

7:40pm
The Long Island bakers brother is hilariously inept.
~~~
Interviewer: What do you like, David?
Brother: Sports and ... uh, sports.
~~~
Brother (holding up ornament): Where should I put these?
Baker: Its a Christmas tree, David.

7:42pm
Question for readers: would you want to eat ornaments that have been shoved in a sap-filled Christmas tree? Where squirrels and birds might have lived? I suck on tinsel every now and then, so no judgment.

7:44pm
Staten Island baker is using an edible film paper, which I had no idea existed. I will be licking a lot more random paper now. Yknow, to test it out.

7:47pm
How I know the Husband-Elect is the right guy: he saw me after ten hours of blogging and didnt scream "CRONE!" and run away to Timbuktu.

7:52pm
L.A. guy just told his mom to clean up his mess! Its a shocking parent/child role reversal and its making me uncomfortable. The familial hierarchy exists for a reason, people!

7:55pm
Edible Film Baker is getting reamed by the judges. (A pun! Its a pun!)

7:59pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: zip
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: n/a
HEALTH QUOTIENT: n/a, unless youre into eating trees
VERDICT: 5/10, for lack of terrifying Carrie judge and bizarre four-level pineapple tree topper that will never leave my nightmares

8:01pm
THE SHOW: Paulas Cookie Swap
THE HOST: Paula Deen
THE CONCEPT: Friends and family of the Deenster are dropping by with their favorite cookie recipes. Jamie and Bobby are here! Finally, yall!

8:02pm
Paula 2009 is SO MUCH MORE GLAM than Paula 2006. Whereas Paula 2006 probably enjoyed bridge and 60 Minutes, Paula 2009 would wear leather pants and tour with the Scissor Sisters.

8:04pm
Time for another multiple choice question! Paula is wearing:
A) a brightly-colored shirt
B) Jimmy Buffet
C) several pomegranates
D) a Polynesian barbecue

8:06pm
Paula 2009 is the kind of grandma youd introduce to all your friends, and then take to a champagne bar/drag club to hang out with ladies with names like Barbara Ghanoush and Honey Crisp. The next day, shed disappear back to Georgia and youd be sad for like, 100 years.

8:11pm
Hee. The lady cooking with Paula now is named Mrs. Susie Butts. In college, I worked making cold calls to hundreds of people with (really real) names like Warren Peace, Homer Simpson, John F. Kennedy, and Mrs. Shitrit.

8:14pm
Also, theyre toasting nuts. Hee. Toasted nuts.

8:22pm
The further we get into this show, the more apparent its become that Paula might be partaking in some Christmas spirits. I wish I could join her, but there are EIGHT HOURS OF BLOGGING LEFT. Eat your heart out, Jerry Lewis.

8:29pm
Seen today: Ina, Giada, Bobby, Tyler, Rachael, lots of Paula
Unseen today: Mario, Ace, Sara, Anne Burrell, Santa Claus, James Bond

8:32pm
Jamie and Bobby sighting! Theyre making ... sand tarts? What the hell are they saying?

8:33pm
How do the Deens have so many family recipes? It seems like every dish has been in their family since the beginning of time. We have one family recipe, and its for wallpaper paste.

8:38pm
If our first child is a boy, were naming him Paul Dean. He will be Southern, super gay, and totally delightful.

8:44pm
Crossover alert! Paulas brought in Bobby from HGTV. Hes teaching her how to wrap cookies all pretty-like, with ribbon and such. History Channel wishes it was this riveting.

8:48pm
Yall, were not done yet! Paulas decking the halls in a tasty way. Or something. Its late, and I just ate two pounds of sesame noodles.

8:52pm
Reader Robyn has an excellent question: "What happened to the lady who won the last Food Network Star?"

8:53pm
Paula is calling her decorator out for bringing store-bought cookies to the swap. The decorator looks mortified, like you just told her she has toilet paper stuck in her teeth.

8:54pm
Michaels here! Hes dressed in a Santa suit to enhance his natural Santa-ness, and even in the jacket, its apparent hes lost significant weight. Paula has too, come to think of it. Anyone know what theyre doing?

8:59pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none - but the bird of paradise blouse made up for it
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: n/a
HEALTH QUOTIENT: below absolute zero
VERDICT: 10/10 - insanely entertaining, yall

9:00pm
THE SHOW: Throwdown
THE HOST: Bobby Flay
THE CONCEPT: The Chef of note challenges a renowned Chicken Cacciatore cook to discover whose version is best.

9:01pm
New York City firehouse chef Keith Young is 6-foot-6, and has a Long Island accent thats almost as big. He loves "protectin prah-petty" and "caw-melized onions." I love his bald head.

9:06pm
Do you have a distinctive accent? Does it get worse when youre around your family? Mine does, and Bobbys is too, the longer he hangs out with these New York fiighters.

9:10pm
Chicken cacciatore literally translates into "hunters chicken," or "chicken that you caught with a big gun and then soaked in tomatoes until its bloody-looking."

9:12pm
Big difference between Bobby and Keiths cacciatore: Flay uses red wine, while the fiighter opts for white, figuring it goes better with chicken. I think I have to go with the Iron Chef here, folks. Red wine + tomatoes = party in my mouth, and everyones invited.

9:15pm
Bobby walked into the firehouse to propose the challenge and Keith ate him. It was awful.

9:18pm
Oh, how I jest. Both men are still alive. Their fight will be fought in an arena of food.

9:19pm
But seriously, Keith ate him.

9:20pm
If my ears doth not deceive me, Keith just called his poultry "chicken bosom." Im using that from now on and claiming it as my own. No one will ever know. MUAHAHAHAHA.

9:22pm
Bobbys adding honey to his tomato sauce. Ive never seen that before. Italian grandmamas that read this blog: does this happen?

9:27pm
The fire chief/eree has an incredible handlebar mustache not unlike this Emperor Tamarin.

9:28pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none - will the mustache suffice?
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: surprisingly relevant - there was a budgetary aspect to the challenge
HEALTH QUOTIENT: uh - okay, I guess
VERDICT: 7/10, for the mustache

9:30pm
THE SHOW: Throwdown
THE HOST: Bobby Flay
THE CONCEPT: Bobbys challenging a priest for the Best Fajita crown. Expect a lot of holy plays on words.

9:33pm
Leos a breakdancing Catholic priest who loves cooking and has a third-degree black belt. He also has many, many religious cooking puns in his back pocket. Bobby is a dead man. And his soul isnt too safe, either.

9:38pm
A haiku about Father Leo:
Awesome ninja priest
preaches peace but will nunchuk
you if provoked, dude.

9:41pm
We have entered Hour 12 of the blogathon. There is a butt-shaped jello mold where my actual butt used to be.

9:43pm
Father Leo is a ham of the highest order. Can I say that? Will I still get into heaven?

9:48pm
Father Leos secret marinade ingredient: "holy water." And he was taught to chop by Mother Theresa. What a cool life, Batman.

9:52pm
Dear Pope Benedict,
Hi there! How are you? So glad you seem to be doing well. I was just wondering - is there a way to incorporate more fajitas into the average mass? I promise I would go more often.
Hugs,
Kristen
P.S. I understand if you dont want to dignify this with a response.

9:58pm
The bed music sounds like its excerpted from Rocky 16: Rocky Goes to Crate & Barrel.

9:59pm
End of show. Father Leo won, duh.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: pretty high
HEALTH QUOTIENT: fairly high, I guess. Im flustered
VERDICT: 9/10, for avoiding the obvious holy cow jokes

10:00pm
THE SHOW: Dinner Impossible
THE HOST: Robert Irvine
THE CONCEPT: The Chef has to feed 1000 volunteers in Biloxi, Mississippi. He has nine hours.

10:03pm
At the end of the show, theyre giving Brenda keys to her renovated home, which was ruined in Katrina in 2005. Yknow, weve been looking at pictures from the hurricane for three years now, and its still infuriating and sad.

10:12pm
Robert is squaring off/doing a dance of love with the local soul food restaurant owner. If theyre not making out by the end of this, I will eat my own socks.

10:14pm
Does everyone in Mississippi play banjo or blues guitar? Is that a prerequisite to live in the state? On Long Island, you have to know the lyrics to every Bill Joel song.

10:17pm
This show ends in 13 minutes and no ones started cooking yet. Theyre about to have some very angry Habitat for Humanitarians on their hands. And they have hammers.

10:24pm
Ooo - I lied. This is an hour-long show. Irvine is safe ... FOR NOW.

10:31pm
Sweet and sour sauce spill. Back in a minute.

10:36pm
Our brown rug is now a brown rug with red spots. Merry Christmas!

10:38pm
The manufactured drama in this show is freakin killing me. Have they ever not finished in time?

10:40pm
In regard to Bobby Flays repeated Throwdown drubbings, reader Kat writes: "Challenging anyone and everyone to a Throwdown is getting slightly embarrassing, especially when you lose every dang time. Im only trying to protect you, man."

10:42pm
Irvine is hilariously reluctant to yell at his fellow volunteers. Its like watching a pit bull with a Barbie jump rope tied around its muzzle.

10:47pm
Fill in the blank! There is a disturbing amount of food _____:
A) stitting outside without rigeration
B) in close proximity to the ground
C) being prepared by men whose primary talent is sweating

10:57pm
Miss Brenda just got a look at her new home, and shes stunned. The dining room almost knocked her over. What a sweet lady.

10:59pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: pretty high - theyre volunteers
HEALTH QUOTIENT: theyve been working out, so its okay
VERDICT: 6/10, for the lack of yelling.

11:00pm
THE SHOW: Good Eats! Finally!
THE HOST: Alton Brown!
THE CONCEPT: Cooking nerd schools us, is generally pretty great.

11:02pm
Alton is explaining flour, and hes uncomfortably close to the camera. He has 257 eyebrow hairs.

11:05pm
This is brilliant. Altons given us the show recipes ingredients, but hasnt revealed the name of the recipe itself yet. We have to figure it out ourselves. He is the Will Shortz of TV chefs.

11:09pm
Oh! Hes buying a popover pan. Hes making popovers. Im a genius. All hail me.

11:12pm
Have those popover signs been popping up throughout they whole show? They have, havent they? Im not a genius, then. Im merely brilliant.

11:15pm
The popovers are being filled with all kinds of disturbing things - fruit, ice cream, broth, etc. Wheres the butter? Wheres the jam? They are afraid and alone. Unfrozen Caveman Popovers.

11:20pm
We have suddenly jumped to Yorkshire pudding, as defined in the 1500s. We have gone Back to the Future, and Doc Alton Brown is our guide, Marty.

11:21pm
Holy ... the recipe for Yorkshire pudding is almost exactly the same as the recipe for popovers! This show makes everyone smarter. Is there any doubt its the best on Food Network?

11:25pm
How much I wanted to see "Its Complicated" at the beginning of the day: 54%
Number of commercials for "Its Complicated" seen today: approximately 30
How much I want to see "Its Complicated" now: -4%

11:27pm
Alton now preparing a Dutch Pancake, or, as its more commonly known, a Pancake That Pays for its Half of a Date.

11:29pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: zero - Weird Al Yankovic shirts is Altons perred look
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: sky high
HEALTH QUOTIENT: medium
VERDICT: 12/10, for being my TV boyfriend (with apologies to Tim Riggins).

11:31pm
THE SHOW: Oh god ... Unwrapped.
THE HOST: Marc Summers
THE CONCEPT: How boring mass produced food is boringly made.

11:33pm
The Husband-Elect and I have a private joke about this show in that sometimes, we have entire conversations using Marc Summers vocal inflections:
Me: "Hon, can you get me ... a cup of coffee?"
Him: "Would you like ... a little milk?"
Me: "Maybe also ... a paper napkin?"
Him: "Of course, Ill ... be right back."

11:40pm
Alternate names for Unwrapped: The Conveyor Belt Show, People in Hairnets, White Owners/ Non-White Employees, and Drippy Chocolate.

11:45pm
Its a quarter to midnight and Im drinking iced coffee. The hallucinations should start soon. My Christmas tree is already starting to look like a Tim Burton movie.

11:52pm
Unwrapped is profiling organic grocery store Whole Foods, a.k.a. Whole Paycheck, a.k.a. That Place Where I Cant Afford Apples. Theyre trying to "dispel the myth that organic has to cost more." Unmentioned: "sell $40 chicken legs."

11:58pm
Now profiling snackmakers Pirates Booty. Its the same damn conveyor belt with different food on it. You wont fool me, Summers!

11:59pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: nope
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: nope
HEALTH QUOTIENT: nope
VERDICT: 2/10, for infuriating me with ... factory line footage.

12:01am
THE SHOW: Oh no ... the same Throwdown we saw three hours ago.
THE HOST: Still Bobby Flay
THE CONCEPT: Still the Chicken Cacciatore thing.

12:07am
Oh man. Im gonna need a different angle for this one, fast. What if we made up a song to the tune of Bob Dylans "The Times, They Are A-Changin"?
Come gather round firemen
Wherever you drink
And admit that you left your
dish in the sink.
And accept it that soon
Youll be forced to think
About whose chicken
youre pickin.
So you better start eatin
Cause itll be done in a wink.
For the Throwdown, it is a ... goin down.

12:12am
Okay, maybe not that.

12:17am
Its now 12:17, and I dont have a bit for this yet. Unless this running bit that I have no bit is actually the bit. Oh crap. The Le Cordon Bleu commercial again. Have I fallen asleep without knowing it? Is this a nightmare?

12:20am
Okay. FN is airing repeats (Dinner Impossible, Paulas Cookie Swap, etc.) straight through 4am. SO, Im gonna break for a few hours and continue this then. Thats not cheating, right? I dont think so. Either way, thank god I JUST DRANK A CUP OF COFFEE.

4:01am
THE SHOW: Tasty Travels
THE HOST: Rachael Ray
THE CONCEPT: Rachael eats her way across the Northeastern seaboard.

4:04am
This narration is far too chirpy for four oclock in the morning: "For a true Kennebunkport experience, cast your net at Mabels Lobster Claw!" Its only missing a cheerleading pyramid.

4:06am
I woke up with "Do They Know its Christmas?" in my head. Tonight, thank god its me, INSTEAD OF YOOOOOOOOOU.

4:07am
Also on TV at 4:07am:
CW: Frasier
ABC: News
CSPAN: An old man complaining
TV Guide Channel: an infomercial for Dermawand, the stick you put on your face.
PBS: An old man complaining

4:11am
Holy cow! Its a commercial for The Clapper! This has to be at least 15 years old. Is that a cassette player in there?

4:12am
Back to Rachael, whos eating lobster at the Algonquin. It is, as you might imagine, "ahhhb-so-LUTE-ly dah-LISH-ous."

4:14am
My heats off. Is my heat always off now?

4:18am
Rachael is in Portsmouth (literally: "there is port in my mouth"), New Hampshire (literally, "there is a shire in my hamp"). Shes at the Muddy River smokehouse, where men are men and women are also men.

4:20am
Was that mean? I dont care. Its 4:20 in the morning.

4:21am
"Locals are enchanted with the cuisine." This phrase is not used in Brooklyn very often. Here, its more like, "Locals will not shiv you over the cuisine."

4:23am
Next, Rachael goes to Gloucester, the Massachusettsiest of all the Massachusetts-sounding towns in all the world. It is wicked Massachusettsy. Red Sox.

4:24am
Commercials at 4:24am in the morning:
AARP Medicare Supplement Insurance
Hair transplants
... thats it. Its me and balding old people awake right now.

4:27am
Were now at Halibut Point restaurant, where Rachael is eating CHOWDAH next to FISHAHMEN. All this trip is missing is a Kennedy.

4:29am
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: I forgot to count. Its cold in here.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium - she mentioned some numeric thingies.
HEALTH QUOTIENT: low - what?
VERDICT: 4:29am

4:30am
THE SHOW: Howd That Get On My Plate?
THE HOST: Sunny Anderson
THE CONCEPT: Unwrapped, but with fresh food and no ... Marc Summers.

4:32am
Sunny kicks off the show in an open field. If Martin Scorcese taught me anything, the only people in open fields at 4:32 in the morning are about to be whacked by the mob. Run, Sunny!

4:34am
Did you know: industrial garlic bulbs are peeled by something called a clove blower. In college, the words "clove blower" had a very different meaning. It usually involved a Phish album.

4:36am
Food Network is pushing the White House Iron Chef HARD. Do you think Mario and Emeril will accidentally bump tummies on the floor? Like jolly dueling Santas? Because oh, how Id giggle.

4:38am
In 2001, my job required that I pull into work right about now. New York is always eerily silent this time of the morning, but I did see a guy get jumped from my cab once.

4:39am
Was that story not riveting enough? My judgment of interesting stories is a little off right now. Im 20 seconds from babbling about the coldness of my nose.

4:41am
There is a vat of Bloody Mary mix being made on my television. It looks like the scene from Nightmare on Elm Street when the bed eats Johnny Depp. Did you know - and this is not a joke - that he was credited under the name "Oprah Noodlemantra" for his cameo in the sequel? ABSORB THIS KNOWLEDGE, YOUNG PADAWAN.

4:46am
Sunny is back at the garlic factory. You know how you come home sometimes smelling like work? That must be a genuine work hazard for people who work in a garlic factory.

4:48am
Now shes standing next to a 5000-pound garlic mountain. There are 5000 vampire jokes just waiting to be made here. Ill be a gentlewoman and let yall handle it.

4:52am
I can taste garlic in the air in my apartment all of a sudden. This means either this show is really effective, or theres an old pizza stuck in my walls. Both are equally likely.

4:53am
Sunny is currently wandering through a tremendous warehouse, stacked floor-to-ceiling with barrels of dried garlic. I assuming the Ark of the Covenant is also in there somewhere.

4:58am
Its roasted garlic hummus now, which has an inherently hilarious texture. You guys dont know what youre missing. But its okay - no worries. You can stay asleep. Thats why Im here.

4:59am
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: zero - Sunny stuck to overalls
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: n/a
HEALTH QUOTIENT: astronomic - garlic is good for you, yall
VERDICT: Who am I? How did I get here?

5:00am
Folks, 19-1/2 hours later, we are DONE! Its been a trip. Im going to bed. Hasta la pasta.

This week’s Ask the Internet question comes from right here at home, and addresses an issue many of us might be facing in our post-Christmas hazes.

Q: Two years ago, I received several bread mixes and a jar of chocolate sauce for Christmas. The breads were baked and eaten within a month, but the sauce still lingers in the bottom of my pantry. What should I do with it? What do YOU do with food-based Christmas gifts you don’t use and/or never intend to?

A: While the generosity and thoughtfulness of a food present is wonderful, there are zillions of pepperoni sticks and Jordan almonds that will go uneaten this year. What makes it tougher: many of them (see: chocolate sauce) would be of little use to a food bank.

So, readers – what’s your plan for this stuff? Will you re-gift? Will you bring the edibles to a party, or try to pawn them off at the office? Will they simply go in the garbage? Any and all suggestions are welcome in the comment section.

P.S. Good Christmas food stories are highly encouraged.

Want to ask the interweb a question? Post one in the comment section, or write to Cheaphealthygood@gmail.com. Then, tune in next Tuesday for an answer/several answers from the good people of the World Wide Net.

Hi,

When I read the article at this link: http://www.drbenkim.com/articles-orthorexia.html#comment-10281 I just knew I had to share it. Enjoy!!

Ever been a nut about the specific things you eat? Been there. Done that. Maybe you did, too.

Read it!!  Good one!!

Love you,

Be back soon,

Marcia

A gender-bending chemical found in food packaging is linked to breathing problems in young babies, researchers have found.
A study showed pregnant mothers with the highest levels of bisphenol A in  their bodies were twice as likely to have babies who suffer from wheezing in their first six months.
Wheezing in babies can be a symptom of lung damage, asthma, bronchitis, allergies or an infection.
Bisphenol A, or BPA, which is used to harden plastics, is one of the world’s most widely manufactured chemicals and can be found in dozens of everyday items including baby bottles, CD cases and food and drink packaging.


If you use water bottles or plastic of any kind (#3, #7, etc), conventionally packed products of any kind or cans and insulated cartons of any kind, chances are you have been exposed to BPA.

Human studies have found BPA in many tissues and fluids, including urine, blood, breast milk, the amniotic fluid of pregnant women and the antral fluid of mature follicles. A national survey conducted by the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in 2003-2004 found BPA in 93 percent of the 2,517 people (age 6 and up) who were tested.
Because the chemical mimics oestrogen, many scientists believe it interferes with the way hormones are processed by the body.

Previous research from North Carolina State University and the National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences (NIEHS) showed significant reproductive health effects in rats that have been exposed to bisphenol-A (BPA) at levels equivalent to or below the dose that has been thought not to produce any adverse effects.
Although several animal  studies have shown it to be safe, others have linked Bisphenol A to breast cancer, liver damage, obesity, diabetes and fertility problems.
The latest U.S. study looked  at the BPA levels of 367 pregnant women, with researchers at  Penn State College of Medicine measuring levels of the chemical in expectant mothers in the 16th and 26th week of pregnancy. 
They found 99 per cent of women had measurable levels of the chemical in their bodies – and those with the highest levels in their 16th week were twice as likely to have babies who wheezed at six months old than women with the lowest levels.
However, the study also found that high concentrations of BPA at 26 weeks and at birth were not connected to the condition.
Some experts suggest exposure to hormone-disrupting chemicals causes the most harm during a crucial window of development early on in pregnancy, and believe women of child-bearing age should avoid products containing BPA.
Elizabeth Salter-Green, director of the Chemicals, Health and Environment Monitoring Trust, said: ‘This new research adds further weight to the  need to reduce our exposure to this chemical, particularly  pregnant women.
It is the foetus developing in utero that is most vulnerable to BPA exposures.’
Last year Denmark became the first country in the EU to ban BPA in packaging for food and drink aimed at under-threes, while the EU itself voted to ban it from baby bottles  last year. Canada and three  U.S. states have also introduced restrictions.
Adam J. Spanier, lead author of the study, which was presented at a conference in the U.S. yesterday, called for more research into BPA

Widely available in pharmacies and health stores, phosphatidylserine is a natural food supplement produced from beef, oysters, and soy. Proven to improve cognition and slow memory loss, its a popular treatment for older people experiencing memory impairment. Now a team headed by Prof. Gil Ast and Dr. Ron Bochner of Tel Aviv Universitys Department of Human Molecular Genetics has discovered that the same supplement improves the functioning of genes involved in degenerative brain disorders, including Parkinsons disease and Familial Dysautonomia (FD).

In FD, a rare genetic disorder that impacts the nervous system and appears almost exclusively in the Ashkenazi Jewish population, a genetic mutation prevents the brain from manufacturing healthy IKAP proteins — which likely have a hand in cell migration and aiding connections between nerves — leading to the early degeneration of neurons. When the supplement was applied to cells taken from FD patients, the gene function improved and an elevation in the level of IKAP protein was observed, reports Prof. Ast. These results were replicated in a second experiment which involved administering the supplement orally to mouse populations with FD.

The findings, which have been published in the journal Human Molecular Genetics, are very encouraging, says Prof. Ast. "That we see such an effect on the brain — the most important organ in relation to this disease — shows that the supplement can pass through the blood-brain barrier even when administered orally, and accumulate in sufficient amounts in the brain."

Slowing the death of nerve cells

Already approved for use as a supplement by the FDA, phosphatidylserine contains a molecule essential for transmitting signals between nerve cells in the brain. Prof. Ast and his fellow researchers decided to test whether the same chemical, which is naturally synthesized in the body and known to boost memory capability, could impact the genetic mutation which leads to FD.

Researchers applied a supplement derived from oysters, provided by the Israeli company Enzymotec, to cells collected from FD patients. Noticing a robust effect on the gene, including a jump in the production of healthy IKAP proteins, they then tested the same supplement on mouse models of FD, engineered with the same genetic mutation that causes the disease in humans.

The mice received the supplement orally, every two days for a period of three months. Researchers then conducted extensive genetic testing to assess the results of the treatment. "We found a significant increase of the protein in all the tissues of the body," reports Prof. Ast, including an eight-fold increase in the liver and 1.5-fold increase in the brain. "While the food supplement does not manufacture new nerve cells, it probably delays the death of existing ones," he adds.

Therapeutic potential for Parkinsons

That the supplement is able to improve conditions in the brain, even when given orally, is a significant finding, notes Prof. Ast. Most medications enter the body through the blood stream, but are incapable of breaking through the barrier between the blood and the brain.

In addition, the researchers say the supplements positive effects extend beyond the production of IKAP. Not only did phosphatidylserine impact the gene associated with FD, but it also altered the level of a total of 2400 other genes — hundreds of which have been connected to Parkinsons disease in previous studies.

The researchers believe that the supplement may have a beneficial impact on a number of degenerative diseases of the brain, concludes Prof. Ast, including a major potential for the development of new medications which would help tens of millions of people worldwide suffering from these devastating diseases.

Since freshman year of college, I’ve had approximately 15,000 roommates. Some are still my best friends, favorite people, and life partners. Others smoked crazy things too late at night. One remains the only unrelated adult I’ve ever yelled at. (Surprise! It was over the dishes.)

Whether you’re fresh out of university or shacking up with your significant other for the first time, living with other people has multitudinous benefits. It can save everyone involved a ton of cash. It can be a social opportunity, cultural experience, and culinary education. It can keep you from being plain lonely.

But if you’re not caul, it can also be a terrifying descent into a cohabitational hell, in which anger and discomfort become facts of everyday life. Living with the dishes guy? Was kind of like that.

The center of roommate karma is inevitably the kitchen. Maintain a zen-like equilibrium there, and your time together will be peaceful and harmonious. Forget to buy paper towels for the third week in a row, and you could find a severed goldfish head on your pillow.

That’s why it’s important to discuss food, money, and galley-related issues up front. It puts you on the same page, sets a precedent for the future, and prevents misunderstanding down the line. So, be open with your wants and needs. Ask plenty of questions. And remember the two most important things about living with anyone new:

• Don’t be afraid to speak up. If your roommate isn’t doing her dishes and/or owes you money for olive oil, tell her. You can assert yourself and still be considered a nice person.
• Don’t be a jerk. You’re sharing this room with others, and should always take their feelings into consideration. Play nice, do your part, and don’t make fun of Bob’s vegan macaroni and cheese.

With those ideas in the back of your head, the ensuing discussion should be easy. For erence, here are a few good areas to touch on, along with a ton of pertinent questions.

1) FOOD

First and foremost, you and your roommate(s) have to feed yourselves using actual food. Broaching the edibles topic could set the tone for the rest of your talk, not to mention the rest of your lease. Tread caully, be thorough and kind, and ask:

• Will you share food? Will you share everything or just staples? Which staples?
• Will you share cooking responsibilities? How will you split the job?
• When will you cook? Should you set up a schedule? What meals will you eat at home?
• Does anyone have dietary restrictions, allergies, or ethical issues?
• Will any food be off limits? (ex: If there’s a peanut allergy in the house, it could be best to avoid ‘em altogether.)

2) EQUIPMENT

Once you have food, you need ways to serve it. Your requirements could vary wildly, based on your diet and/or affinity for cooking. Plan ahead, use this checklist for guidance, and ask:

• What kitchen equipment do you already own? Is it in good shape?
• What do you need to buy? Where should you buy it?
• Do you have any doubles (ex: two toasters)? Do you need the extra? If not, what can you do with it?
• Who will keep new purchases (microwave, blender, etc.) if/when you move out?
• Is there room to fit everything? (See: Storage.)

3) MONEY

Here comes the hard part. Beyond rent, you’ll probably spend most of your apartment-apportioned cash on food and kitchen supplies. Splitting the bills can be tricky, and payment itself even harder. Stay positive and ask:

• How will pay for the food you buy jointly? Will you split the bills or alternate months?
• How will you pay for the kitchen necessities (tin foil, dish soap, paper towels, etc.)? What falls under that umbrella term?
• Who will do the actual buying? Will you take turns?
• Will you join a bulk store or CSA? What supermarkets, ethnic markets, and farmer’s markets will you shop at?
• How will you handle coupons, sales, or memberships?
• How will you handle restaurants and take out? Does that go in the budget?

4) STORAGE

Pots, pans, silverware, dishes, and appliances do more than look pretty: they take up space. And when square feet are at a minimum, having a storage strategy is vital. Consider your cabinets and ask:

• Where will you store the food? How about the dishes? And cleaning equipment?
• Will you split storage? Who gets which rigerator shelf? What about the pantry and freezer?
• Do you have enough room for bulk purchases?
• Is there a way you can easily add extra shelves, cabinets, or pot racks?
• Are you allowed to throw things out without permission, if it looks like it went bad? (Note: This comes up more than you think. It’s like a science experiment in there sometimes.)

5) CLEANING

Though dishes are 90% of the issue, cleaning goes deeper than washing your coffee cup. In every kitchen, there are counters to wipe, floors to mop, and microwaves to liberate of caked spaghetti sauce. If this is left to one person - or worse, not done at all – things will very messy, both dirt-wise and relationship-wise.

• How quickly will you have your dishes done? Will you split the responsibility? How?
• How often will you light clean (counters, sweeping, etc.) the kitchen? Who will take care of this?
• How often will you deep clean (oven, rigerator, etc.) the kitchen? Who will take care of this?
• Who will take out the garbage? How will you handle recycling?
• Who will take care of repair issues as they come up? Are you handy? Will you be the point person for the landlord?
• Who will keep track of and replace cleaning tools (Lysol, sponges, etc.)?
• Should you create a cleaning schedule?

If you address all of these questions up front and periodically revisit them through the course of your cohabitation, you and your roommates/loved ones can enjoy a sparkling, relatively stress-free household. What’s more, you can apply the concepts to almost every shared room in the house, whether it’s the den or the shed you use to make illegal moonshine.

Readers, what about you? Do you have any roommate rules to follow, especially in the kitchen? How about horror stories? You know we loves us some o’ those guys.

(Excellent letter photo from Passive Aggressive Notes.)
_http://cheaphealthygood.blogspot.com/2012/03/roommate-living-your-food-kitchen-and.html

I dont really care for Valentines Day.

You know how it goes. The heavy pressure on that romantic aspect of our lives, that may or may not, live up to "Sense and Sensibility" expectations. The courting, the chocolates, the flowers, the glittery stuff. The "proposals" and declarations. Bah. Humbug. It was enough to make some of my dearest friends... joyfully declare their mood of choice for the holiday, by getting creative on Facebook...

(I have to admit, since I also dislike romance novels, I thoroughly enjoyed this little creation.)

So... though I do the usual, quiet penance at home with the husband, I cant say I focus very much on Valentines Day. I certainly dont think of walking away with any sort of "wordless Wednesday lessons," if you would. Whats to learn? Materialism? Impossible-to-live-to expectations? Yeah, so one would think. (I dont even have any kids, so I cant make this post about them! lol)

Often, though, life quietly speaks to us in its own way... especially when our hearts are open, and not just open to diamonds, or chocolates, and other distractions and materialisms, but open to whats TRULY being expressed... by fate? God? The universe? Your own inner self? Perhaps. But, maybe... Just maybe... Valentines Day needs to be a bit more "selfish" than it already is, you see. Valentines Day should be about the one love that actually matters more than almost any love out there: self love. Yes, not the kind of self love that goes around expecting what can I get from others... but the kind of self love that goes around expecting what can I get from MYSELF. 

The little image, above... the heart made of wholesome food. That was IT. That was all Valentines Day had to give me, yesterday. And it gave me a LOT; more than I could have imagined. A random posting of sorts, shared by a stranger, with entirely different intentions.

Food is love.

For me, food has always been love (even though I sort of dislike food). Just, perhaps, not the right kind of love.

Like any other person struggling with binge eating, and disordered eating, I tend to, unwittingly, look for love in food. I tend to want to FEEL things from the food I eat -- comfort, enjoyment, numbing of bad feelings, friendship, avoidance of issues, appeasing of bad memories, etc, etc. Often, Ive tried, again and again, to replace the love that others would not give me, or the missing attention from parents... with food, or bury whatever awful life traumas, underneath it.

Often, this is termed "When Food is Love."

Recently, though, Ive been quietly asking myself... what if I can just change that definition around? What if food can still be love, but, from a different angle?

The image above gave me the answer. It almost literally screamed it:

"You can do more than just THINK youre getting emotional support from food... you can actually LOVE YOURSELF with food. Good food. Quality food... HEALTHY FOOD. To show yourself love with proper nourishment is the purest form of self love... Be very selfish with it. Do not abuse it, and do not entrust it to just any food. Treasure it."

When we thoroughly manage our health and give ourselves quality foods that make us FEEL healthy, able bodied, and able minded, capable of taking on the world, of thinking, and making proper decisions... When we give ourselves foods that dont just fuel our bodies, but make our hearts sing because they are wholesome and tasty, and FULFILLING, and in more than just temporary emotions we might feel... But also in HEALTHY emotions we may anticipate because weve put effort into making such meals, and invested in ourselves, as we would in our children... We are literally, feeding ourselves love. We ARE our children. We ARE our loved ones.

Its not a diet, its not a "healthy lifestyle..." It is SELF LOVE. It is simply... Loving Yourself.  

Work on loving yourself, today. Youll be glad you did.

This is a repost from December 2007. But, yknow. It still applies. Also, just a reminder: starting tomorrow at 9:30am, CHG is liveblogging a full day of the Food Network. Tune in! Turn on! (Dont drop out.)

Once upon a time (1984), in a land far, far away (England), there lived a thin, dyspeptic pop star named Bob Geldof. Now, Bob was a good pop star, but at the time, fairly unknown in world-saving circles. Then, one day, he happened to stumble across a BBC report on the famine in Ethopia, where hundreds of thousands of poverty-stricken Africans were dying for lack of food and medicine. Shaken by the conditions of these poor, oppressed people, Bob decided to do something about it.

Using all his thin, dyspeptic pop star powers, young Geldof assembled a mighty group of famous U.K. musicians (Bono, Sting, Paul McCartney), not-quite-as-famous U.K. musicians (Jody Watley, the guy from Spandau Ballet), soon-to-be-infamous U.K. musicians (George Michael, Boy George), and dubbed them Band Aid. Together, they recorded “Do They Know it’s Christmas,” the most powerful charity Christmas song since “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” (which, as everyone knows, paid for Rudolph’s therapy following decades of emotional abuse by his fellow sleigh-pullers).

Ultimately, the accomplishments of “Do They Know it’s Christmas” are too numerous to mention, so I’ll attempt to sum. It:

1. Rocked the airwaves unlike any holiday tune before it.
2. Gave humanity the worst Christmas lyric of all time (“Tonight, thank god its them instead of you.")
3. Raised a humongous amount of cash for people who really needed it.

Even now, 23 years later, Simon LeBon and various members of Bananarama are inspiring generations of Kmart shoppers and light FM listeners to consider donating to charity. And that’s what’s beautiful about “Do They Know it’s Christmas” - it’s an enduring reminder that innocent people are still suffering. While many of us are lucky enough to have families to visit, warm places to sleep, and good food to eat during the holidays, lots of folks don’t. And it’s important we do what we can, like young (now old) Geldof before us.

So, this Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Solstice or whatever, consider lending some time and/or hard-earned cash to charitable organizations around the globe. It will make many people very happy, and happy is good.

In fact, here are a few ideas to getchoo started. They’ve all been listed on the site before, and most have either been reported on fairly extensively or rated by Charity Navigator.

Happy holidays!

FEED THE TROOPS

Any Solider
Fulfill a soldier’s request for supplies, food, and ways to pass the time.

The USO
Check out their FAQ for more info, or just peruse the site, which is intuitive and informative

Treat the Troops
Jeanette Cram has baked over 640,000 cookies for soldiers overseas. Help her fund the effort.

FEED YOUR NEIGHBORS

The Food Trust’s Supermarket Campaign
Inner-city citizens need fresh food. The Supermarket Campaign is here to help.

Food Bank for New York City
FBNYC helps hungry Big Apple-ites in each of the five boroughs.

Donors Choose
Fund the activity/teacher of your choosing. I linked to the “food” ideas here, but really the whole site is worth a look.

The Society of St. Andrew
SoSA focuses on the distribution of healthy, inexpensive food (with an emphasis on produce) to hungry kids and families nationwide.

Feeding America
The mother ship to hundreds of smaller food banks, Feeding America (formerly Second Harvest) feeds millions of hungry U.S. citizens a year.

God’s Love We Deliver
This is a tri-state area based volunteer group that buys, cooks, and delivers meals to seriously ill men, women, children.

Your local house of worship
Peruse the activities at your local shrine to see how you can pitch in.

FEED THE WORLD

Action Against Hunger
AAH assists the needy in more than 40 countries in Africa, Asia, and South America, with special focus on water and aid during crises.

American Red Cross
The mothership.

If youve worked with kids lately, or if youre a new parent yourself, then Im sure you know all about this epidemic of food allergies.  According to a 2011 study, 8% of American children under 18 have at least one food allergy, and that is up from 4% in 2009 (1).  Peanut allergies in particular have been on the rise.  In one Midwestern county, the prevalence of peanut allergies in children tripled between 1999 and 2007 (2).  But you dont need numbers to realize its a problem.  Just spend a day in a school cafeteria.  Or a summer camp.  Just enter an elementary school classroom at all and youll hear about it; the concern is clearly growing.  Dairy may be the most common allergy, and it seems kids can have a reaction just looking at a peanut, but there are others to worry about as well, including wheat, eggs, soy, tree nuts, fish, and shellfish.

But it wasnt always this way.  When I was a youngster, I dont recall ever hearing about another kid having a food allergy.  Maybe the most I ever heard was that a classmate was lactose intolerant.  But there was no mention of peanuts.  Nobody had a wheat allergy.  Nobody went into anaphylactic shock at the mercy of a pistachio.  So what gives?? Why are food allergies exploding?

Well, sadly I dont think we know the answer to that question.  Much has changed in the food and health world over the past few decades, so we have many likely culprits.  Over these next few posts, Ill be exploring the options, in a sort of thinking-out-loud fashion.  Excuse me if what follows turns into an incoherent mess.


Genetically Modified Organisms
This seems to be a hot topic right now.  Genetically modified organisms (GMOs) are plants or animals that are created through gene splicing techniques.  This merges the DNA from different species, creating a new variation of a species that wouldnt be possible through traditional crossbreeding.  Example.  Say biotech giant Monsanto finds a bacteria that naturally resists an herbicide like Round Up.  (They did.)  Then they isolate the gene that allows that bacteria to resist the pesticide, and they splice it into corn.  (Again, they did.) Now they have a genetically modified strain of corn that resists Round Up.  Lets call it Round-Up Ready corn.  Now we can grow mass quantities of corn and spray mass quantities of Round-Up on it to kill those pesky things like weeds and bugs, while leaving the corn unaffected.  Yes, believe it or not, true story.

The following foods have been approved to be genetically modified:  alfalfa, canola, corn, cottonseed, papaya, soy, sugar beets, and green/yellow summer squash (3).  You may say, well, thats only 8 foods, thats not that bad.  But canola, corn, cottonseed, soy, and sugar beets are nearly ALWAYS genetically modified, and theyre found in nearly ALL processed food.  Youd be hard-pressed to find anything in a box or a bag that doesnt contain at least one of these, just look next time youre shopping.


So how do you know if what youre eating contains GMO ingredients?  Its not easy.  Companies arent required by the FDA to label a product as GMO, contrary to the wishes of the American people.  So if you want to know, youve gotta be a detective and read the ingredient list.  Or, if you want to make it easier on yourself, you can buy organic.  Any food certified organic is free of GMOs.  In addition, apparently, GMO fruits and veggies must be labeled with a 5-digit code beginning with an 8, rather than the conventional 4-digit code.   Ive yet to see one of these for sale, but no doubt its coming.

But the worst part... we dont even know if eating this stuff is safe.  There are some people claiming that the studies have been done and theyve been swept under the rug to hide the incriminating evidence (4).  Who knows if theres any truth to that.  Then there was this recent study from France, showing that rats eating GMO corn developed breast cancer at a far greater rate than control rats fed non-GMO corn (5).  And of course, biotech companies like Monsanto swear by their safety.  Its no different than regular corn, they say.

But the fact remains... GMO foods are a science experiment.  Nobody in the history of the earth has consumed anything like this, and wed be giving ourselves too much credit as scientists to say "its just the same as corn".  Were not even close to understanding all the intricacies of how the human body works, let alone how a brand new franken-food is going to interact with said body.  I dont think we know how much we dont know, which is why its always a good idea to default to evolutionary biology... Were designed to eat plants and animals; were not designed to eat herbicide and pesticide resistant corn.  We are the subject of a science experiment, and nobody knows how its going to turn out.

But are GMOs causing food allergies?
Is it possible that the recent spike in food allergies has a link to these genetically modified foods?  It sure is.  The timing works perfectly... GMO foods as we know them today burst onto the scene in the late 1990s (6).  Thats just enough time for families to start eating them and start popping out kids with food allergies.  Theres no way to know, as of yet, just what GMOs are doing to our health.  But given all that Ive said so far, it does seem a bit fishy doesnt it?  Yes, fishy indeed.  One thing is for sure... if I were to have kids today, GMOs would be one of the first things Id watch out for. 


What are your thoughts, reader(s)?  Id love to hear your opinion on GMOs.

And stay tuned for the rest of the series.  Ill be discussing all kinds of fun stuff, like antibiotics, medications, and dwarf wheat.  Come on back!

Okay. That’s more like it, baby. There’s a loaf of Banana Bread in the oven, and by the time Husband-Elect is done with it, we’ll end the day with some excellent numbers.

Despite a sinus issue that’s threatening to take over my soul, Day #2 was a bit easier than Day #1. I think I got it into my head that I’m not cooking for myself, which helps. Also helping: pasta. Its cheap, its tasty, and if I could, Id live in a house made of penne. You know how we roll here.

With his customary eloquence and panache, Husband-Elect notes, “I feel great. I’m [expletive deleted] excited about it.” I will now bestow on him a noogie of love.

But first, today’s info!

DAY 2 TOTAL: 2594 calories, 59.2 g fat, 38.2 g fiber, $3.50
GRAND PRICE TOTAL (SO FAR): $7.46

BREAKFAST
2 servings Maple Morning Polenta: 516 calories, 9.2 g fat, 8.2 g fiber, $0.63
1 banana: 121 calories, 0.4 g fat, 3.5 g fiber, $0.23
TOTALS: 637 calories, 9.6 g fat, 11.7 g fiber, $0.86
PREP TIME: 10 minutes

LUNCH & SNACK
1 apple: 77 calories, 0.3 g fat, 3.6 g fiber, $0.17
1 serving Easy Vegetarian Bean Chili: 243 calories, 6.6 g fat, 9.1 g fiber, $0.70
1 medium baked potato (5.7 oz): 157 calories, 0.2 g fat, 3.7 g fiber, $0.11
2 Snickerdoodles: 300, 13.6 g fat, 1 g fiber, $0.20
TOTALS: 777 calories, 20.7 g fat, 17.4 g fiber, $1.18
PREP TIME: 0 minutes (did it while prepping breakfast)

DINNER
6 oz pasta: 631 calories, 2.6 g fat, 5.4 g fiber, $0.25
2 jumbo eggs: 191 calories, 12.8 g fat, 0 g fiber, $0.41
1/2 cup peas and carrots: 38 calories, 0 g fat, 2 g fiber, $0.22
1 teaspoon vegetable oil: 44 calories, 5 g fat, 0 g fiber, $0.03
Salt & pepper: negligible calories, fat, and fiber, $0.02
1/2 ounce grated parmesan: 79 calories, 5.2 g fat, 0 g fiber, $0.33
TOTALS: 983 calories, 25.6 g fat, 7.4 g fiber, $1.26
PREP TIME: 20 minutes (mostly waiting for the pasta to boil). I got dishes done in the meantime, which was exciting to a disturbing degree.

DESSERT
1/10th loaf Light Banana Bread: 197 calories, 3.3 g fat, ~1.7 g fiber, $0.20

NOTES

• We’ve been buying humanely raised eggs ever since watching Food, Inc., and I got a fantastic deal on ‘em this week. $2.50 for a dozen Jumbos! They will be used wisely. Except for the one I broke on the counter. I salute its sacrifice. Godspeed, Bob the Egg.
• Thanks to my sinus monster, dinner was a bit simple tonight. Pasta and veggies topped with two fried eggs and parmesan. (It makes its own sauce!) Tomorrow, though: slow cooker pulled pork. Color me excited.
• A little clarification on nutrition and price calculations: if I make a recipe already posted on CHG, I’m using those numbers. That is, unless I: A) find a much cheaper ingredient, or B) change the dish significantly. For example, I left the milk out of this morning’s polenta, which lowered the price and calories quite a bit.